H E A L I N G

I miss him so much, I keep praying he will come. I miss him so much I called him. It's stupid, I know the fact that calling him means I am once again lost to my emotion. However, the pain that I felt from missing him is too unbearable. I have no way of channeling the loneliness, the emptiness that I feel from missing him. I wrote entries on my sketchbook. I listen to sad songs about break up, I listen to podcast on not to going back to the people that are toxic to you.

I did everything that I capable of to forget the feeling.

But I can't. So I called him. Listening to his voice, oh God. Listening to his voice makes me fall asleep so easily. It hurts so much when I realize this matter. When I woke up this morning, my body feels so light and my mood lighten up. I never felt so good as this after I decide to walk away.

The situation raise a bit of question to mind.

Am I really in love with him?



Truth is, I do want to stay friends. I still have the access to his everyday life, I still can call and talk to him in the name of friend. I could LIE to myself that all those things are enough. I can and I could. I want to be a part of his life, even though I am not significant. I do want to be a part of his life, even though I am just a girl he ran to when he have so much in hand. I do want to be a part of his life, even if it means I'm breaking my heart.

I can, I could and I want them. Even if it hurts me.


Then again, he already belongs to someone else.

Even if I am a part of his life, I will be the only one who got hurt. Yes, staying as friends is good. It give you some privilege that a girlfriend can't have but it also means I can't get the same privilege as what the girlfriend got. And it hurts me.

So I blocked him, erased him from my phone in hope that he will get the hint that I am trying to be away from him. I want to end the ambiguous relationship we are having, despite we both labelled it as friendship. It's better if we stay clear from each other rather than being friends but having the subtle ambiguity within the relationship.

Its better to be nothing to each other.


We fought, more like he got angry at me because I blocked him and unfriend, unfollowed him in all social media. In my defense, I shoot him back because who are you to get angry at me after I am doing a favor to save us from being involved with each other. Think about your girlfriend.

I am not fair I guess. I said good bye to you but didn't give you chance to say yours,

After graduation, please make up your mind. We will not be seeing each other anymore. We will have no ties anymore. Please say your goodbye by then as I am already done saying mine.

I am done saying goodbye to you, countless time but still unable to walk away from you.

Please, once we've said our goodbye, lets be stranger.


I am doing a favor to save your relationship with her. I am doing a favor to save your time and money from going back and forth meeting me. I am saving US from continue doing what we shouldn't be doing.

I am saving myself.

I don't want to invest my time to a relationship that have no end. We don't even have a beginning, and we are already ended. I ended US, if there's any us all this time, because I know that we will never be together. Being a friend already hurt me so great, so why should I continue living lying to myself, lying about my feelings?

I love you Cui, but I love me more.

So I choose me.


After everything, please let me let you go.

The pain is accumulating into a big dark gray matter and I want to be able to let you go while I am still be able to identify the meaning behind my feelings.

Cui, please let me let you go.

You know the feelings when you’re missing the old you?
Yeah, it got me sometimes.
I miss the old me.
The ambitious me
The opinionated me
The courageous me
The ‘me’ who have lost in time
I used to be ambitious
I learned a lot of languages
Trying out different courses
Always trying to equipp myself with new skills
I used to very opinionated
When I have something to say
I just say it, never regarding the feelings of people involved
My opinion matters the most
I used to be courageous
Defending people that I loved
Defending things I loved
Getting things that I wanted
But thats how I used to be

will you come home
to the dead city
where silence accompany us
as soon as the sun goes down

will you come home
to the city where we grow up
where we spent our youth 
laughing, not caring with everything
but somehow
caring for every insignificant thing that scare us

will you come home
to the city by the sea
where the gust of wind 
always accompany our talk

will you come home
to the place where the line of stores
never changes
to the place where
everyone knew everybody

will you come home
home to where
where I will be waiting?


& I dedicated this to my one and only male best friend. He said he didn't want to go back to our city. I'm not there too but I hope he will come home, where I can meet him. Right now when he's across the world, I feel like our life seems so unrelated. I miss you, come home soon D.

The pain of knowing the truth but can never acknowledge them is so unbearable.

Oh God, why do you have to put me in this situation.

We know we can never be with each other but why on earth are we so attracted to each other.

He took my clothes from the drying machine and I feel like my head could explode from the embarrassment that I felt. He swiftly took the clothes out from the machine with everything are on sight! When he offer to help me with the laundry, I took in as much as I want the sight of him folding my shirts because at that moment, I feel so close to him.


I realized again last night that I feel too comfortable with him. As we sat together with the foods and his project, he listen attentively as our leg comfortably touching each other. We sat side by side, both of us sit crossed leg on the bench and he placed his thigh above mine. I talked and he will listen. I lay my head down on his shoulder as he wrote down points that we've discussed. Holding hands seem so natural for us.

The scary part?

I can see something in his eyes, gleaming shyly when he look at me. Under the street lamp, I saw his boyish smile and his playful eyes shine when we argue about certain topic. The gleam fades when we talk about his family but I saw a glint of happiness when we talk it over.

Under the dim street lamp and passing cars, at the exact moment I hide myself from the lamp that comes from behind him, I feel safe. When I saw his boyish smile, the playful gleam in his eyes, in that instant I told myself how fucked up I am because what I feel for him is no longer temporary affection.



It's love. I realized that I love him more than I should and suddenly everything becomes so painful.

I am so fucked up for you sotoi.

That night, for the first time, I am so overwhelmed by sadness because I can't have him no matter how much I love him. The pain, heartache feels so heavy when I finally acknowledge my feelings. I wish I can continue living in denial because I feel so so hurt because of this.

Rainy days, October and I suddenly transported back to a year ago. Broke up with him in June but even now, I still miss him. I keep saying to myself, as long as I just miss him, and do not take action for what I feel, I can safely continue living in my bubble of comfort. The feeling itself is not good but I won’t go and take action. He’s married, I miss him and I am still sane.
Maybe, it’s not him I’m missing so much. Maybe, it’s not his touch that I yearned so much
Maybe, it’s not his presence and thought that make me feel good
Maybe, it’s never about him.
I cannot direct this emotion to another person completely as I was completely in love with him. He was someone that never mine in the first place and the way he treat me, were the kind of treatment that no man has ever given to me. He did not degrade himself, he never let me feel worthless. He was perfect but he was never mine.

//ghost

I wonder how do you feel about us. How do you feel when our fingers entwined. How do you feel when I ask for your hands. What do you feel when I open my arm and ask for a hug? What do you feel when we exchanged touches more than we should?

What and how do you feel about me in your life. How do we get so close in the span of one month until both of us are in so much need of each other. What happen between us? The speed of our friendship morphed into something else scared the fuck outta me

I don’t know what will come from us. I don’t know if we are gonna end up together or if we gonna go separate way. I don’t know if one day you decide that your fiancé is much more precious than us. I don’t know if one day, we just decide to stop talking to each other. Honestly, I don’t know anything.

So I’m just gonna stand here, with my arms open wide, be with you until you made up your mind. or maybe when I did. I don’t know the end for our story yet, but I don’t see light at the end of the dark tunnel and I don’t want to lie to myself saying that maybe, just maybe we can be together because it will hurt me.

I know, you are uncertain, you’re feeling blue because somehow you regret doing somthing you’ve done. I don’t know but that’s how I see you.

Although I don’t know what may come from this but I think this will be the last time I come here and be with you. Now that I know that my feelings for you is just a mere illusion, distraction for my lonely heart.

You and I belong to another world. Our path have crossed but from today, we will once again walk on our own road. I realize that I will never be with you nor you will be with me. We are too different for each other and too similar to each other.

I wish you happiness for thats the only thing I can do for us, no. This is the only thing I can do for myself. You won’t choose me and I won’t pick you. watching your back walking leisurely in front me make me realize that our compatibility equal to zero.

You don’t talk and I won’t talk about the extend of our relationship. We are who we are at the moment of we are together but never actually together in a real sense.

This is what I find wrong in us. We never said anything. Just casual flirting, casual touching and that’s it. That’s all.

I pray that we will never wronged each other.

when I think I fall for him. I wrote this so I can be firm with myself.

Masjid Putra, Putrajaya

" For the first time, I want someone to fall for the imperfect me.

The one who get scared easily.
The one who have a bad anxiety problem
The one who are reckless but always overthinking everything she did
The one who can’t sleep when there’s thunderstorms
The one who always broke down and cry everytime she’s overwhelmed
The one who do all those uncool thing
The one who always get into trouble
The one who is me everyday
Without no mask, no facade
Just me being me

Just once.
I wanna lay bare naked stripped from all those perfect illusions that I fed to people
I want him to love me despite my extra fat, dramatic quicks pale faces and disgusting habits
I want him to be able to love me despite misunderstanding
To love me
Just me
I want him to accept me as a whole
To be able to love me the way I love him
Loving each other imperfections

I want someone that won’t treat me like I’m second in his life
I am and always his first
Not an option
Not a spare
Not just someone he can leave behind when he’s done

I don’t want a flirtatious relationship
I want a real relationship
where I have someone I can rely to
Someone who can still accept me
Tolerate me love me feed me
even when things went horribly wrong

We will fight, we will hurt each other
We will face challenges and we may cry
but I will love you
My special someone

Now if only I can find him, then it’d be perfect "

// to my dearest Farhana

I wonder if somewhere in your heart, you never meant any of what you’ve did.

I wonder if on that point of our life, where our world start to devoid from each other timeline,
I wonder if you ever feel lonely.

I wonder if you pushed me away because you want me to pull you closer

I’m not a good friend
I’m not perfect

I might hate you sometimes but I always trust you and the fact that we are good friends,
were.

Caring Sale's Haul

My sister got some bonus and I have some saving because damn I’m fucking stingy so I decided to buy some products that I’ve been eyeing and on my wish list for a while now. Since it’s a routine for me and my co-worker, Umi to go to Aeon Shah Alam every Friday for lunch since we have 2 hours break, I straight away went to Aeon Wellness or Caring Pharmacy sales booth. Hada Labo, Nano White, Biore and few more were on sale but I choose to buy what I’ve been eyeing for rather than look at everything and bought unnecessary products. Since I strictly told myself to only buy skincare products when it’s on sale, I got to save some money again today. Total saving for today’s haul?

MYR 64.98.

Bio essence miracle water is on my wishlist since Iman post about it on Twitter so I have been wanting to try. I bought a small bottle since I don't want to risk my face to get another awful breakout. It's in small size so its easy to be carried whenever I went out.

Nano White Eye Brightener/Eye Cream. Well, it's cheap and on my Korean 10 step, this is what I've been dying to buy in order to complete them. But eye cream are reallllyyy expensive! But finally I got them so yeayy.

anndddd. . .

Soooo I finally bought my own Hada Labo Hydrating Lotion! I am so excited to use it. The moisturizer is not in my wishlist actually but it got 50% discount and my moisturizer almost finish so I say why not? Since my purchase is above MYR 80, I got these two small bottle of hydrating lotion for free!



Truth is, after I introduced my face to Korean Skin Care, my never-ever-have-pimples face suddenly got them in daily basis and IT LEAVES SCAR! I think I have some problems with some of the product but I don't know which one because I have so much!

Nevermind that, I'm excited to wear Hada Labo Hydrating Lotion when I get home. Will post a review after I wear it for 4 weeks. Need to look for the effects yall.

Suddenly, I remember the look in your eyes that day, looking at me through the mirror as I was correcting my tudung. Whenever I tried to remember you, my mind always drift to that day. The day when I caught the realness of us.

I looked at you lovingly, possessively fierce and your eyes says nothing, just staring back at me, looking numb with a glint of pity glimmering at the corner of your eyes. Time passes and at the right moment, your girlfriend call comes in. You broke our eye contact and moved away to talk  to her in a voice that I never knew you could have. Stupid as I am, I know that I could never have you but the emotions, the feelings that I have for you at that time just brushed all the facts away. Because at that time, you are mine.

How stupid.
How utterly stupid.

I remembered again and again the look in your eyes that day. The way your eyes pitying me, the way you look at me with numbness. How utterly stupid of me, to be thrown into the sea of madness, completely falling in love with you. Even as I am bewildered, amused and in awe for the new feelings I never feel, you just stand besides me filled with pity. You never plan to fall for me.

Just how long will you let me continue with my own little fairy tale before you tell me the truth behind your blank stares and sugar-coated words?

Never is the answer.

If I can turn back the time, I never wish that we never met and entangled in a relationship filled with lies and mishap. Although it is hard for me to continue living with you, I lived my life anyway. Both of us has pass each day without each other and everything seems alright, everything is alright.

So, I am just casually revisiting the old days where we've spent together. It was a happy memory for me, although the separation was not. The days when we were together, albeit the fights and cursing, is one of the most joyful time I had in university.

I also do understand that 3/4 of the fault is mine since I was the one who instigate the relationship. I broke up with you and that what really matters between us. I still have lingering feelings for you but I also know that we will never be together.

11.20pm, 23 March 2018.


[UPDATE: 4.13PM, 24 March 2014]

A friend of mine send me a picture of you, smiling happily with your gf-already-wife on your weeding day. Tahniah and please be happy for both of us.