H E A L I N G : July 2015

Bismilah.

I guess I never really talk openly and truthfully about the fact that my mother new marriage aite. Well, I do talk about it to some people but I never really talked about it truthfully - about my feelings and all those shit.

I wonder where do I begin ? Hmm, I just finish updating my other blog which is set to private because there is where I put up a lot of hate review on people that mess with my head, or heart. When I really need to bawl my eyes out or tell others secret that cannot be tell, I write there just now so I came across a post about my mom and the marriage but it was before she got married. It was written during my semester break earlier this year.

Wow, it really suprise me how much I hate the way she talked about her plan to get married. That post were so horrible of me. HaHa. But sorry not sorry. Here are some sneak peak about what I've written about it.

The opening goes like this

The ending were like this :

The content is not about I hate my mom remarried, I'm actually happy for her - SO DAMN MUCH but the way she talked about it 24/7 but let just say it was derhaka of me to write about it but I have feelings and I'm really mentally ill if I have a lot in my mind.

I think I should divide this post into three sub chapter because every things matter - to me. It will be before marriage, during and after ( 3 months ) story.

[ BEFORE MARRIAGE ]

Half of what happened before marriage already written up there but lemme add some more juice to the storyy. Like I said, it was not the idea of her remarried but the way she talked about it 24/7 that annoy me. I do enjoy the way she looked like she's in love when she talked about now my step father but to heard about it every time you're chillin with her is so damn annoying. I'M FUCKIN WANT ATTENTION HERE ! It was during my semester break so I was like expecting to get her full attention.

No, I don't mind if she talked about him but the topic come up EVERY TIME we have conversation. I'm trying to be a gooood daughter here so I just listen to her and then vent my anger on blog and tumblr. Sorry Mom

I met him once when we went dinner together and oh boy he's quiet. I didn't hear any sound come from him during the dinner, just the sound of me and my sister making jokes and hurting each other - in loveable kinda way, and he only talked with my mom with a VERYYYYYY LOW voice.

I was like omg I'm gonna give you a big X if you don't start talking to me but then the dinner were over and we headed back home. Seriously, I was not expecting that. Our family is a LOUD HEAD BANGING type of family and to have additional family member who is so fuckin different is sure a weird(?) thing.

Then semester break end. I went back to Melaka for semester 2 and in a blink of an eye, I got the news that they're getting married !

OH FUCKING WOW.

I share stories with Haziq and Fana but I always said that I wasn't bother by it and I was cool with it when I FELT LIKE MY HEART ARE RIPPED APART.

Yeah, I felt like my heart were ripped apart. I'm happy for her, I sincerely do. But it was too fast and I felt like I'm betraying my father. I felt like I'm not ready to share her to stranger. I'm not ready to accept a stranger into my life. I'm not ready, yet.

[DURING MARRIAGE]

I don't really remember the date of their marriage but what I do remember it was during mid semester break. It was a very devastating week of agony, anguish and remorse. I don't even know where should I start. But here a piece :

Menjelang Perkhawinan Mak Yang Ke - 2 (v2)

Nanti

Pukul 6 pagi nanti

Aku harap

Aku sungguh harap

Aku buka mata

Aku ada di sisi ibu

Nanti malam nanti

Dia akan punya teman lain

Dan aku masih mahu tidur sebelah ibu

Tapi 2 pagi

Aku masih di sini

Menangis sendiri

17 April 2015

2.01 am

Kolej Kediaman Seri Utama

Yes, I made two of this kinda poem for my mom but this one is the one I really love the most. Because it really reflect my emotion on I'M NOT FUCKING READY phase. I'm actually really terasa when she decided to get married without me by her side. It was mid sem break and I actually FREE to fly back to Sandakan and actually be by her side. BUT NO ! I was in Melaka, weeping and bawling my eyes out. Thinking of her.

How could you mom ?

You said I'm the closest one to you but how could you not include me in your important day ? Just how could you ? You told me that you'll wait for me. You told me that you'll get married after Raya. You told me that you want all your children to be with you. But how could you let me alone there in Melaka, hugging emptiness and shadow of you while thinking that you have betrayed me ?

I never told people but it was not a happy mid semester break for me. I cried almost every night. EVERY FUCKING NIGHT SINCE I GOT THE DATE OF NIKAH UNTIL TWO DAYS AFTER THEY HAVE NIKAH. I was really lucky because my room mate is always non-existent so I was kinda free to do whatever I want. Other than crying, I really drew well and write well. I even complete the ALPHABET collection of self made poetry which suck. HAHAHA.

I know that our family cannot afford the fee for me to go home just for the majlis but she said that she will wait. I was taken aback. SHE SAID SHE WILL WAIT. How could you mom ?

Rationally, I accept the fact that I cannot go home and act maturely accordingly to other people eyes. But in my heart ? It was a mess. It was a very disturbing and frustrated moment I ever felt in my whole life. Disturbing, yes because of the things I did that I cannot mention here and frustrated because I really spent that week being nothing but an angry teenager. LOL

[AFTER MARRIAGE]

FINALE.

HAHA.

Okay, I have a STEP FATHER ~ olalalalala. It was weird when I step into my house and saw someone I'm not familiar with in the house.

So just like before, she talked about him like 24/7 even tho they're are now together cause my step father cannot appeal himself to me so my mom are listing all his good criteria and make me fell comfortable with him. I don't mind but come on mom, listen to my stories sometimes but oh well no lets talk about your new husband 24/7.

All my life, I've always, always want a father figure. Because no one born perfect, my REAL father are also one of them. He was not a great man, but he's my father and I love him and he's so not the father figure. I miss you Dad, I really do.

Maybe I'm expecting too much because my step father don't talk. He talk but never to me, like a conversation. He always talk to my mother and my mom only. Again, I was so devastated I stress myself out. Can't you talk to us sometimes like strike a conversation, I would love to talk to you.

BUT NO FUCKING NO. He just sit there, smoking and playing Candy Crash or FB-ing. I was always sitting beside him thinking that he will talk to me but no he's not so I'm really disappointed. It was not the way I imagine it will be. Since he's that silent type, I have to adjust myself into the realm of silent and my mom pukul me because I was singing out loud. Sangat terasa kat situ. Why did you hit me ? You never hit me for singing my heart out.

What really pained me was the other day I was helping my mom choosing over baju raya for him. Yes. we fuss over a baju, socks and his underwear. Since I have the same personality as him, according to my mom, I'm like the version of him literally.

Just last year, we were buying those things for my father (tho they already divorced at that time). It really challenge my sanity and my own judgement. I'm happy for her, she look so happy and radiant choosing over a baju for him. But my heart can't really take it. I think it was shown all over my face how I don't like it. I was insomnic this past days because of this stupid stressor.

And the final blow would be she will not celebrating the first raya with us. So it will be just us three siblings and my mother families. Another stressor for my insomnic days.

**********************************************************************

Sebagai seorang anak, I just want her to be happy. Just let her be happy and content in her life here in Dunya. I write this not because I want to buka pekung di dada. But it was a medium for me to straighten back my mood after a very tiring play pretend. I was acting like shit today towards my mom. It was horrible for both of us. I need to cry and I'm actually crying since I wrote that Bismillah.

I love you mom.

It just that I'm this type of fucking twisted two face daughter. I know I'm being durhaka but I can't contain my sadness over all the stuff that had happened. There's a lot more than what I write today and I can go on until I pass out about my agony and sadness, but I know you've sacrificed a lot in your life for us, for me. So I guess we're even?

I'm sorry mom.

|Alia|

- Pengharapan itu equal to sakit hati

Terutama bila sudah berjanji

12:51 AM No comments

Bismilah.

******* WARNING: Read at your discretion. Contain LONG and not so understandable article that I come up with myself. The language is half broken English and half broken Malay.

Today I was like totally in mood for some writing. I decided to write a review on the viral issue of #SayaZahra. Who is Zahra ? Zahra is a 23 years old Law graduate from IPT dekat Malaysia, dan sebagai tambahan, ada baiknya jika aku bagitau yang Zahra punya course from her uni tidak diikitiraf. Kenapa dia jadi viral ? Because of the video of her speech yang korang boleh jumpa kalau klik link kat bawah ni.

[ #SayaZahra ]

This one is very hilarious and DEEP [lol]. Anyway, first found this video when one of my class mates uploaded it to our class whatsapp group. I spend that 7 minutes attentively listening while laughing and deeply touched by her. Calm your tits because this is MY review on #SayaZahra. So here it is.

First, lets talk about unnecessary "PEMBAYANGAN" in the opening of her speech. So she talked about how she imagine KEINDAHAN her life would be after graduate because of the BIG SALARY she would get. Well I do imagine that somtimes considering that I deserve to get BIG SALARY sesuai dengan kelulusan aku. Sebab tak salah bila kita nak impikan sesuatu yang lebih baik kan ?

Tapi janganlah terlalu mengharapkan segalanya will turned out well after dah habis study. Before you imagine about the BIG SALARY, sepatutnya kau kena fokus dulu about WHERE YOU WILL WORK AFTER YOU GRADUATE ? Bagi aku itu persoalan penting apabila aku MEMBAYANGKAN masa depan aku selepas aku tamat ijazah. Gaji BESAR akan datang dengan job yang kau dapat. KALAU kau dapat. Hahaha.

Then she continues . .

[ . . dengan gaji yang diperolehi, saya dapat merancang masa depan dengan lebih teratur." ]

Like seriously Zahra ? Hahah, no, even without BIG SALARY, you can still plan your future.

Secondly, The Emotion.

She said that she was marah and kecewa dangan nasib yang menimpa dia setelah dua tahun bergelar graduan. Her everyday was like kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang. Okay, before we go on to her next big words, let comment on this first.

[ Kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang ]

Tentang orang yang sangat miskin dan rezekinya hanya cukup untuk sehari sahaja

Keadaannya samalah seperti kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang kerana upahnya hanya cukup untuk perbelanjaan sehari sahaja walaupun dia bekerja dari siang hingga malam.

source : http://peribahasamelayu.net/proverb/?id=413

Firstly, Zahra DO you even know how is it to be living in kais pagi makan pagi situation ? Lemme tell you. For 10 year old me, back when our family are so poor, it was really devastating. My mom was the only one working. She ONLY got 400 ringgit salary with three children (still in school at that time ) and lots to pay. Okay, maybe aku exaggerated something tapi bila aku flash back all the moments when my mom works so hard to fed us three, sekolah kitorang, burdened by all the bils and sometimes kami hanya makan nasi berlaukan telur kicap dan sometimes meggi for dinner dan aku dengar mengenai kehidupan dia yang ibarat kais pagi makan pagi TETAPI pakai keta ayah dia dan bayar 500 setiap bulan, duduk rumah 500 sebulan, aku rasa nak hempuk Zahra ni sebab salah dalam menggunakan peribahasa Melayu.

okay, its irrelevant to kaitkan 2004 dan 2015 situation[ economy and ringgit value related] but I just want to give some example on how the peribahasa should be used ! Macam mana kau boleh kaitkan kehidupan kau kais pagi makan pagi bila kau still boleh pakai kereta ? Come on lah, takkan laa peribahasa pun masih nak kena ajar macam mana nak guna ?

And for the record, YES FUCK***G YES REALITY IS NOT SO BEAUTIFUL AS WE THOUGHT IT WILL BE.

Dan pada akhir bulan, Zahra kena naik LRT sebab poket dah kosong ? Hehehe, kenapa tak naik LRT dari awal bulan ? Save duit kau 500 Zahra. Takpun bagi je parents kau 500 macam tuh je, Tak perlu nak bawa keta g kerja. Guna waktu nak beli barang dan gunakan untuk benda penting sahjo. Duit minyak pun kau dapat save.

Keinginan untuk membeli rumah bakal tinggal jadi angan angan untuk tempoh yang lama. Sebab 10 peratus daripada harga rumah memerlukan 5-7 tahun untuk disediakn. Now, I don't live around Ampang or Melawati, sampai sana pun tak pernah. But she said you need to have at least 9K salary to get a house around that area.

Zahra : Mampukah saya ?

Alia : NO ! Kau tak mampu, apa kata kau buka brochure or a website about houses in another area that cost you less and fit to your budget ?

Kau sewa bilik 500 SEBULAN ? No comment laa. Sebab aku tahu taraf hidup di semenanjung dan Sabah is different but with 500 sebulan in MELAKA, kau boleh dapat rumah sebijik zahra, share 5-6 orang, dapatlaa sorang bayar 100 sorang. Anyway, pasal rumah around KL yang Zahra sebut sebutkan tuh, korang boleh rujuk kat article ni http://www.beritasemasa.com.my/bajet-beli-rumah-di-kuala-lumpur-gaji . Ada betulnya apa yang dia cakap pasal rumah tuh. Actually, even my sister pun pening cari duit tuk deposit harga rumah. So 1 point for Zahra about the house.

Zahra,

Tak perlu laa nak kahwin dengan lelaki kaya untuk lepas diri dari kesusahan( kos peperiksaan, hutang PTPTN, uni tak diikitiraf). Banyak lagi cara kak Zahra oii. Well, the thought actually do cross MY mind sometimes because that way is one hella good way to live comfortably without any effort. Tapi itu bukan satu peyelesaian yang sempurna. I mean, macam mana kalau laki kaya kita jatuh bankrup ? You marry him for his money aite ? Jadi bila dia dah takda duit, takkan nak tinggal je macam tuh. Bukan menyelesaikan masalah, menambahkan masalah lagi adalah.

Dan memang untuk mencari pendapatan sampingan itu susah bila you have pekerjaan tetap. Tapi kalau plan betul betul how and what you're going to do to have a better life, aku rasa tak mustahil. BUT WAIT ! takkanlaa sebab gaji kau tak BESAR, kau takleh plan masa depan kau ? Terang lagi bersuluh itu semua bullshit. Sebab ramai je aku tengok akak abang kat insta dan FB buat peniagaan sampingan even dorang ada kerja tetap.

Every problem ada solution. Hanya perlu USAHA sahaja. Samada kita nak buat atau tak. Tapi Zahra cakap dia bukan jenis yang cepat putus asa so kipidap Zahra. I hope that you can plan well for an extra income or maybe get yourself a rich husbando (hope you love him along with his money).

"BELAJAR TINGGI TINGI AKHIRNYA MENGEMIS JUGA"

I know reality is so not beautiful as we thought it will be but bila Zahra cakap macam tuh I was like WHAT REALLY OMG !! [ Please add some stupid screamng around this moment] I mean, bila dia cakap maca ni, sebagai seorang pelajar universiti, I AM FREAKIN SCARED. Yelah, dah macam peribahasa Melayu 'perempuan belajar tingi tingi pun, di dapur jugak'. Haha, I hope people can find the resemble in those two sentence. Macam sumpahan pun ada. Dan bila dia cakap masa depan graduan Melayu amatlah kelam dan kelabu I was like, am I excluded cause I'm not Malay ? Then ak tengok banner dia yang bertajuk LAPORAN SOSIO-EKONOMI MELAYU. Of course it will be focusing on Malay.

And regard to your parents. May Allah bless them and you a great health.

Okay, aku takleh nafikan bila dia cakap macam tuh, aku sedikit paranoid jugak sebab ekonomi pun bukan stabil sangat kan ? Dan in the next 3-4 years, aku pun tak pasti apa yang bakal berlaku. Tapi bak kata Zahra, REZEKI DI TANGAN TUHAN. I do believe that.

Apakah harapan anak Malaysia yang lain ?

That's a question that worth to ponder. Another 1 point for you Zahra.

Lastly, I'm not being racist tapi bila dia cakap yang Melayu umpama pendatang di bumi sendiri aku macam like seriously what ? Ini aku malas nak komen sebab kalau aku nak komen pasal ni, it will be another long post of fury and anguish.

So sekian for the review. I was just spending my time doing nothing since I'm currently on semester break. So consider this review if from the view of someone who is still studying but still have functioning mind.

To Zahra, your speech was somehow inspiring because you made me write. Yes, you are brave for pointing out your hardship in life in front of the Deputy of PM and salute you for that. But it looked like it was scripted, try not to look often at your script when giving a speech. It makes you less convincing. Then again, I wish you good luck and have a blessed life.

| Alia |

5:10 AM No comments

Bismillah.

Alhamdulillah. Masih bernyawa, masih diberi kesempatan untuk menulis. But enough with the so dramatic and often used opening sentence. I just want people to know that dspite I'm a healthy 21 years old to be, I'm mentally retarded.

LOL

so, I checked my email just now and now I feel that I'm a very retarded woman.

Remember the mission to Vietnam ? Well I didn't write the whole story YET because I'm still trying to calm my nerve and have a clear head. But I'm afraid I'll forget and mixed the story but I don't really feel to write anything do you feel me?

Enough with that. so SEE that picture ? Well my applications for the ASEF already been received by the ASEF people. HAPPY ? Damn I'm happy I can twerk right this moment. But at the same time I'm also having a veryyyyyyyyy critical moment here !

I know the result is not out yet and I'm really grateful if I can join ASEF because I missed the YSS to Vietnam. So the reason for my turmoil (lol) is I applied for a job as a substitute teacher and the result is not out yet, too. [ God, all this waiting really makes me a verryy mentally unstable woman] and I will have to teach for like 2 months, and I also found out that my last day would be is the second day of my third semester. Like LOL.

and so the clash would be because during I'm working [maybe] the ASEF will be held to. Like no I'm not confident if I'll get chosen for ASEF but I'm just thinking of the possibilities. You feel me here ?

But then, after I write all those stuff above I just get the feeling like none of this and that REALLY matter because both of the things I fuss about is still in the depth of the realm of magical world [not word, its not a typo] MAYBE. So maybe I'll get the job or maybe NOT, maybe I'm chosen or maybe NOT. Shesh.

[ I think when people said writing is good for your health, its true. HAHAHA. I do feel great and I can see things more clearly after I write them down]

BUT. .

I'm not that creative and talented, SO I guess I can safely ruled out the ASEF.

So here the main thing : THE TEACHING.

Okay, IF I do get the job, as mention earlier, my last day as a teacher would be the second day of my third semester. I will miss the FIRST FUCKING DAY. But it's not such a big deal. I'm just worried about my stuff that I put in the storage space at the hostel. I have A LOT of things and I saw what happen to those stuff that were claimed late cause I was like the second person to come to the hostel last semester.

Putting that aside, I also come across something really messed up and not to mention really fucked up for my ill and retarded brain.

I need to go back to university on 25 August cause I have to join a training program and some ice breaking stuff with the club I just joined this afternoon. IT HAS INTERVIEW ! [LOL] Yes it has I'm serious because they are looking for EXCO's not just a regular member hence the interview. But I still feel funny.

after that training week with the club [ oh please I'M DISCLOSING the name of the club until I safely joined them - FOR REAL ] I have another thing coming up.

THING = TRAINING

HELL FUCKING YEAH.

I need to attend the INTENSE training of MALAY DEBATE cause guess what ? At the end of the first week of the semester we got a competition called Debat Alam Sekitar for 4 days. According to the date released by the FB Page it will be held on 11-14 September and then three days after that we have the Piala Integriti (18-21 September) which I HAVE to participate because of my race [like WHOA]

So see my schedule ? The third semester is not yet started but I'm already busy as fuck and not mention I was reserved for Sabah & Sarawak Mission which will be held on the second or third week of September.

Ahh, I forgot. I need to do research and present in Parlimen Mahasiswa at the end of September.

And I have to help a club to get their official declaration from university.

I just lost track. So lets make a list

1. Paperwork Training & Ice Breaking for the EXCO's [ *held on 24-29 August]
2. Debat Training [*held on 1-6 September]
3. Debat Alam Sekitar [11-14 September]
4. Debat Integriti [ 18-21 September]
5. Parlimen Mahasiswa [*at the end of September]
6. Helping a club to get their official declaration
7. Sabah Sarawak Mission [ MAYBE ]
8. JLPT N5 Prep and Registration
*PROBABLY

lol. September will be hell if I don't get that teaching job. If I do get the teaching job, it will be double hell for me to catch up with everything I missed during teaching.

My retarded brain cant't take it anymore.

I'm going to sleep.

Good night fellow retard.

ps, tho I have sometimes a retard brain, I can understand Japanese and actually UNDERSTAND it. I just can't speak the language properly.

XOXO
Alia Lee

11:59 PM No comments

Bismillah.

Alhamdulillah, safely landed in Sandakan last Friday, on 7.30pm.

Yes, I'm not going to Vietnam. Indeed its a shame and avery rugi on my side but I believe there's more for me in store. Alhamdulillah, raya dengan family lagi penting dan rezeki aku kat sini.

Sebenarnya nak update sejak sampai lagi, tapi takda kudrat (lol)

Apapu, insya Allah, jika ada kelapangan akan aku update cerita pasal kenapa aku tak jadi perg Vietnam. Sekarang nak celebrate birthday mak aku duluu ~

apapu. Adios

ps; aku tak g terawih malam ni.

//Much love - Alia

7:44 PM No comments

Newer Posts

Older Posts

H E A L I N G

About me

Labels

recent posts

Blog Archive