I miss him so much, I keep praying he will come. I miss him so much I called him. It's stupid, I know the fact that calling him means I am once again lost to my emotion. However, the pain that I felt from missing him is too unbearable. I have no way of channeling the loneliness, the emptiness that I feel from missing him. I wrote entries on my sketchbook. I listen to sad songs about break up, I listen to podcast on not to going back to the people that are toxic to you.
I did everything that I capable of to forget the feeling.
But I can't. So I called him. Listening to his voice, oh God. Listening to his voice makes me fall asleep so easily. It hurts so much when I realize this matter. When I woke up this morning, my body feels so light and my mood lighten up. I never felt so good as this after I decide to walk away.
The situation raise a bit of question to mind.
Am I really in love with him?
Truth is, I do want to stay friends. I still have the access to his everyday life, I still can call and talk to him in the name of friend. I could LIE to myself that all those things are enough. I can and I could. I want to be a part of his life, even though I am not significant. I do want to be a part of his life, even though I am just a girl he ran to when he have so much in hand. I do want to be a part of his life, even if it means I'm breaking my heart.
I can, I could and I want them. Even if it hurts me.
Then again, he already belongs to someone else.
Even if I am a part of his life, I will be the only one who got hurt. Yes, staying as friends is good. It give you some privilege that a girlfriend can't have but it also means I can't get the same privilege as what the girlfriend got. And it hurts me.
So I blocked him, erased him from my phone in hope that he will get the hint that I am trying to be away from him. I want to end the ambiguous relationship we are having, despite we both labelled it as friendship. It's better if we stay clear from each other rather than being friends but having the subtle ambiguity within the relationship.
Its better to be nothing to each other.
We fought, more like he got angry at me because I blocked him and unfriend, unfollowed him in all social media. In my defense, I shoot him back because who are you to get angry at me after I am doing a favor to save us from being involved with each other. Think about your girlfriend.
I am not fair I guess. I said good bye to you but didn't give you chance to say yours,
After graduation, please make up your mind. We will not be seeing each other anymore. We will have no ties anymore. Please say your goodbye by then as I am already done saying mine.
I am done saying goodbye to you, countless time but still unable to walk away from you.
Please, once we've said our goodbye, lets be stranger.
I am doing a favor to save your relationship with her. I am doing a favor to save your time and money from going back and forth meeting me. I am saving US from continue doing what we shouldn't be doing.
I am saving myself.
I don't want to invest my time to a relationship that have no end. We don't even have a beginning, and we are already ended. I ended US, if there's any us all this time, because I know that we will never be together. Being a friend already hurt me so great, so why should I continue living lying to myself, lying about my feelings?
I love you Cui, but I love me more.
So I choose me.
After everything, please let me let you go.
The pain is accumulating into a big dark gray matter and I want to be able to let you go while I am still be able to identify the meaning behind my feelings.
Cui, please let me let you go.
