H E A L I N G

dalam hidup ni, tak semua yang kita nak, kita akan dapat. 

that much I guess I learned since childhood. Yeah, but today its not about my dark and hard childhood but its about my love story. Cehh, love story pulakk. Anyway, semalam aku talks with a good friend of /him/. Penat nangis semalam. Sebab aku rindu. sebab aku sayang. sebab tuh aku try contact kawan /dia/. dan aku tanya macam macam. dan aku cakap macam macam.

mungkin sebab aku sendiri cuti midsem ni, so the stress jadi accumulated. tapi seriously, aku mmg nangis teruk-teruk-sampai-mata-bengkak. tapi bila bangun pagi tadi, aku rasa segar, rasa ringan, tapi entah kenapa hati aku rasa berat sangat.

 berat nak move on.

aku dapat tau /dia/ dah ada yang baru. aku dapat tau yang /dia/ dari dulu harap kami jadi lebih dari kawan. aku dapat tau /dia/ sangat2 tak suka aku rapat dengan Ivan or Dedy. aku dapat tau macam macam yang /dia/ tak pernah bagitau aku.

tapi.

kalau aku tau sekarang pun dah takda guna. kami bukan ada hubungan lagi. /dia/ dah move on dah pun. knowing /him/, kalau ada yg care, kalau ada yg sayang, cepat je /dia/ lupakan yang lepas dan fokus pada yang baru.

just how much have I cried to fell this hurt again.
just how much I have to cry again to have you back by my side ?

just how can I say to you that I never meant to hurt you
just how can I convey all of this feeling I had in my heart
just how can I tell you how much pain I'm in right now?

just how?

you always the only one I had in mind.
the only one I give my heart to
the only one I imagine my future with
the only one I give love songs to

yet why

why did this happen.
i miss you so much
i want to talk with you so much
i want to listen to your rant
i want to listen to your voice
i want to just have you there by my side.

are you hurt ?
are you happy ?
have you eat?
with whom you talk today?
how are you now?
how's your study?
have you very miss me in the slightest bit?
or
have you found someone you love ?

tell me
how can I get rid of this feeling for you?
how can I move on from here?
how can I smile when I remember you?
how can you live without me?

I'm at my limit now
I'm missing you so much
yet I have no right to say it to you.

am I the only one who felt this way
am I the only one who love you so much
since that time when I start as her
am I?

how long I have to wait
how long I have to feel this way
tell me
tell me please.
cause this feeling is so painful to bear

just why wont you ever tell me anything.


//I'm truly missing you now
///.aie

Who is this guy btw ? Find put about it here : Mr D.  This bakekang has been in my blog like forever. HahAhA. Record jugaklaa memandangkan aku jarang tulis pasal Awesome sister or Ivan or Along kapla whom I considered as my bestfriends.

Tapi. Hari ini gue ngedate sama ini bakekang. Start from 12 until 6 pm. Going round and round the city and then eat, karaoke-ing, jalan again, ABC-ing, jalan again and then kami lepak dekat so called tembok for like one and half hour talking about things I didn't really recall except the topic 'what makes a guy sexy'

Apapun, talking makes me realize something.


i. Life as a STUDENT.

cerita mudah saja. We were talking about me and my friends at Melaka. So I mention Fana and Kojek, and Haziq which is the closest to me over there. We also talked about their personality and how my life there with them and this topic somehow terkeluar.

of shisha, vape and night life.

Okey, jujur, kami just cerita pasal shisha and he ask me whether a guy who smoke is a turn off for me. Then somehow it escalated to some other things that related. Well, about the factors that turn me off, let just keep it for next story. Apa yang aku nak cerita ialah the difference dalam hidup kami sebagai student.

To make things clearer. Dia student overseas dan aku student inside Malaysia. Orang selalu cakap yang kalau study luar negara banyak pengaruh, mudah terjebak dengan masalah sosial and everything negative. Tapi rasanya bila dengar dan compare cerita kami, aku rasa macam dah terbalik dah. Tak payah keluar dari negara pun boleh je buat benda benda mengarut.

I did hisap vape and shisha. Pernah hisap rokok, for a very short period of time sebab I handle my stress the wrong way. Vape ? Sebab kojek selalu bawa waktu kitorang study for final, I somehow master the way to hisap that thing. Tapi bukan sampai takat addicted. I can handle my addiction well. Dan shisha ? Bila ada orang ajak, ada orang cakap nak spend, aku pun ikutlaa pergi ber-shisha-ing.

Night life ? Takda maknanya. Okey, I was always out during weekends, staying up all night and everything. Tapi TAK PERNAH lagi aku jejak tempat maksiat like Pub or Kelab Malam. The only tempat maksiat yang aku pernah pergi tengah malam was Pantai Klebang. Sebab konon nak tengok sangat how the pantai look like bila malam. Puii, nyesal gue datang, bukan sahja takde hapa, hanya kapel tak senonoh tengah bercengkerama.

Pengalaman yang choi.

Kalau kolam air panas tuh kira tempat maksiat ke? Tapi aku g sana reramai. Jam 2 pagi. Kitorang balik dalam pukul 4 pagi then makan kat mamak. Hhaha. Oke yang itu best sebab rendam dalam air panas tuh, balik je rumah Fana I was like so tired, tido tak ingat dunia bhai.

so that was me during Tahun 1 as an uni student. Dan dia ?

He said he didnt touch it. Even his housemate was doing weed, he's just like whatever. Tak penah touch shisha and vape pun. Even rokok. Good boy kan this bitch ? Compare to me, hahaha.


ii Perbandingan

Okey. ONE thing yang aku rasa both of us did is COMPARING.

This bitch always fuckin comparing everything in Sandakan and in German. So do I. I always compared everything in Sandakan and with the things I saw in Semenanjung.

For example, WEATHER. D always say that 'Malaysia so hot, i kenot'. He actually says that every time we went out together. like srsly of course Malaysia is fuckin hot. We have tropical climate ! For me I will be comparing how HOT Melaka is compared to Sandakan. Trust me, my sweat glands seems to be overworked when I walk around Melaka during the day.

Also, comparing things. I had to compare things here. THE PRICE is my main issue. A skirt that only cost me 25 in semenanjung, cost me 45 here in Sandakan. I do know about the modal, kos pengangkutan and all. I learnt it. Tapi bila harga tuh memamng jauh beza, makes me think that I really need to do some shopping in semenanjung before going back to Sandakan.


I guess those two are the most and my main highlight for today. We talked about a lot of things, including #TakMoveOn cases. He's my bitch so I can spill almost everything to him.

*bitch - means abang merangkap kawan baik merangkap kawan menghina. #SisCuba


Thats all for tonight. Anyway, Happy Independence Day Tanah Melayu.

//Alia

Bismillah.

i.

Dah lama tak membebel. Sibuk sekejap dengan Raya, teaching (YASS I'm teaching) dan post-Along situation. Harini setelah lamanya Zarif Asyraf liked my picture in instagram. No idf know who he is but he is a reader who is very good in taking picture. I really like his instagram account. Lots and lots of good inspiring quote he picked up from his reading. I just finished scrolling down and liked all his past posts.

He got a blog too, which I oftenly stalk because he's such a good writer.

Bismilah.

I guess I never really talk openly and truthfully about the fact that my mother new marriage aite. Well, I do talk about it to some people but I never really talked about it truthfully - about my feelings and all those shit.

I wonder where do I begin ? Hmm, I just finish updating my other blog which is set to private because there is where I put up a lot of hate review on people that mess with my head, or heart. When I really need to bawl my eyes out or tell others secret that cannot be tell, I write there just now so I came across a post about my mom and the marriage but it was before she got married. It was written during my semester break earlier this year.

Wow, it really suprise me how much I hate the way she talked about her plan to get married. That post were so horrible of me. HaHa. But sorry not sorry. Here are some sneak peak about what I've written about it.

The opening goes like this

 The ending were like this :



The content is not about I hate my mom remarried, I'm actually happy for her - SO DAMN MUCH but the way she talked about it 24/7 but let just say it was derhaka of me to write about it but I have feelings and I'm really mentally ill if I have a lot in my mind.

I think I should divide this post into three sub chapter because every things matter - to me. It will be before marriage, during and after ( 3 months ) story.

[ BEFORE MARRIAGE ]

Half of what happened before marriage already written up there but lemme add some more juice to the storyy. Like I said, it was not the idea of her remarried but the way she talked about it 24/7 that annoy me. I do enjoy the way she looked like she's in love when she talked about now my step father but to heard about it every time you're chillin with her is so damn annoying. I'M FUCKIN WANT ATTENTION HERE ! It was during my semester break so I was like expecting to get her full attention.

No, I don't mind if she talked about him but the topic come up EVERY TIME we have conversation. I'm trying to be a gooood daughter here so I just listen to her and then vent my anger on blog and tumblr. Sorry Mom

I met him once when we went dinner together and oh boy he's quiet. I didn't hear any sound come from him during the dinner, just the sound of me and my sister making jokes and hurting each other - in loveable kinda way, and he only talked with my mom with a VERYYYYYY LOW voice.

I was like omg I'm gonna give you a big X if you don't start talking to me but then the dinner were over and we headed back home. Seriously, I was not expecting that. Our family is a LOUD HEAD BANGING type of family and to have additional family member who is so fuckin different is sure a weird(?) thing.

Then semester break end. I went back to Melaka for semester 2 and in a blink of an eye, I got the news that they're getting married !

OH FUCKING WOW.

I share stories with Haziq and Fana but I always said that I wasn't bother by it and I was cool with it when   I FELT LIKE MY HEART ARE RIPPED APART.

Yeah, I felt like my heart were ripped apart. I'm happy for her, I sincerely do. But it was too fast and I felt like I'm betraying my father. I felt like I'm not ready to share her to stranger. I'm not ready to accept a stranger into my life. I'm not ready, yet.

[DURING MARRIAGE]

I don't really remember the date of their marriage but what I do remember it was during mid semester break. It was a very devastating week of agony, anguish and remorse. I don't even know where should I start. But here a piece :

Menjelang Perkhawinan Mak Yang Ke - 2 (v2)

Bismilah.

******* WARNING: Read at your discretion. Contain LONG and not so understandable article that I come up with myself. The language is half broken English and half broken Malay.

Today I was like totally in mood for some writing. I decided to write a review on the viral issue of #SayaZahra. Who is Zahra ? Zahra is a 23 years old Law graduate from IPT dekat Malaysia, dan sebagai tambahan, ada baiknya jika aku bagitau yang Zahra punya course from her uni tidak diikitiraf. Kenapa dia jadi viral ? Because of the video of her speech yang korang boleh jumpa kalau klik link kat bawah ni.


This one is very hilarious and DEEP [lol]. Anyway, first found this video when one of my class mates uploaded it to our class whatsapp group. I spend that 7 minutes attentively listening while laughing and deeply touched by her. Calm your tits because this is MY review on #SayaZahra. So here it is.

First, lets talk about unnecessary "PEMBAYANGAN" in the opening of her speech. So she talked about how she imagine KEINDAHAN her life would be after graduate because of the BIG SALARY she would get. Well I do imagine that somtimes considering that I deserve to get BIG SALARY sesuai dengan kelulusan aku. Sebab tak salah bila kita nak impikan sesuatu yang lebih baik kan ?

Tapi janganlah terlalu mengharapkan segalanya will turned out well after dah habis study. Before you imagine about the BIG SALARY, sepatutnya kau kena fokus dulu about WHERE YOU WILL WORK AFTER YOU GRADUATE ? Bagi aku itu persoalan penting apabila aku MEMBAYANGKAN masa depan aku selepas aku tamat ijazah. Gaji BESAR akan datang dengan job yang kau dapat. KALAU kau dapat. Hahaha.

Then she continues . .


Like seriously Zahra ? Hahah, no, even without BIG SALARY, you can still plan your future.

Secondly, The Emotion.

She said that she was marah and kecewa dangan nasib yang menimpa dia setelah dua tahun bergelar graduan. Her everyday was like kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang. Okay, before we go on to her next big words, let comment on this first.

[ Kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang ]

Tentang orang yang sangat miskin dan rezekinya hanya cukup untuk sehari sahaja

Keadaannya samalah seperti kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang kerana upahnya hanya cukup untuk perbelanjaan sehari sahaja walaupun dia bekerja dari siang hingga malam.

Bismillah.

Alhamdulillah. Masih bernyawa, masih diberi kesempatan untuk menulis. But enough with the so dramatic and often used opening sentence. I just want people to know that dspite I'm a healthy 21 years old to be, I'm mentally retarded.

LOL

so, I checked my email just now and now I feel that I'm a very retarded woman.


So see my schedule ? The third semester is not yet started but I'm already busy as fuck and not mention I was reserved for Sabah & Sarawak Mission which will be held on the second or third week of September.

Ahh, I forgot. I need to do research and present in Parlimen Mahasiswa at the end of September.

And I have to help a club to get their official declaration from university.

I just lost track. So lets make a list

1. Paperwork Training & Ice Breaking for the EXCO's [ *held on 24-29 August]
2. Debat Training [*held on 1-6 September]
3. Debat Alam Sekitar [11-14 September]
4. Debat Integriti [ 18-21 September]
5. Parlimen Mahasiswa [*at the end of September]
6. Helping a club to get their official declaration
7. Sabah Sarawak Mission [ MAYBE ]
8. JLPT N5 Prep and Registration
*PROBABLY

lol. September will be hell if I don't get that teaching job. If I do get the teaching job, it will be double hell for me to catch up with everything I missed during teaching.


My retarded brain cant't take it anymore.

I'm going to sleep.



Good night fellow retard.


ps, tho I have sometimes a retard brain, I can understand Japanese and actually UNDERSTAND it. I just can't speak the language properly.


XOXO
Alia Lee

Bismillah.

Alhamdulillah, safely landed in Sandakan last Friday, on 7.30pm.

Yes, I'm not going to Vietnam. Indeed its a shame and avery rugi on my side but I believe there's more for me in store. Alhamdulillah, raya dengan family lagi penting dan rezeki aku kat sini.

Sebenarnya nak update sejak sampai lagi, tapi takda kudrat (lol)

Apapu, insya Allah, jika ada kelapangan akan aku update cerita pasal kenapa aku tak jadi perg Vietnam. Sekarang nak celebrate birthday mak aku duluu ~

apapu. Adios

ps; aku tak g terawih malam ni.



//Much love - Alia

Bismillah.

Alhamdulillah, dah selamat tutup Tahun 1 sebagai pelajar degree dengan paper Falsafah dan Teknologi tadi sebagai paper terakhir semester duaaaa. Hah ingat aku nak terobekk ke ?? Takda nak terobek sangat sekarang ni.

#SERABUT

kalau semalam tengah serabut sampai buat interview diri sendiri aca aca artis besar mana ntah, harini aku bombarded lagi dengan permasalahan yang LEBIH mencabar iman aku. Dan otak aku. Dan punca masih sama :Mission To Vietnam.

Hahah.

Jangan start bagi aku ayat cliche ckp yang aku kena usaha kalau nak dapat sesuatu. sebab aku bagi penampar dengan selipar kang baru tau. Sebab apa, aku memang berusaha kat sini. Tapi sejauh mana usaha aku tuh hebat ke tak, Allah jelaa yang mampu ukur.

So semalam, dalam interview tuh, [bole cek kat post yang ini : Menjelang Manghrib ] aku ada bagitau pasal masalah duit kan ? Nak buat passport, medical check up dan sebagainya. So, pagi tadi aku whatsapp TNC. Sebab aku dah bengang sangat dengan semua masalah leceh yang boleh diselesaikn kalau aku kat Sandakan.

Mari aku senaraikan satu persatu.

1. Surat Tawaran
Bodohnya aku kat sini apabila aku tak baca surat tawaran tuh bebaik. Aku just tengok ada nama aku and then aku bahagia gilerr. That's all. Then kemarin aku kena marah dengan officer yang jaga budak2 macam aku sebab uni masih takde kata putus samada aku dapat pergi ke tak. Hoillaaa ~ bengang laa bila dia cakap macm tuh sebab aku mmg dah excited gilerr tambah lagi serabut sebab pasport dan sebagainya tup tup dia cakap uni mungkin TIDAK akan hantar.

so aku pergilaa tanya TNC kitorang. Jawapannnya ????

Esok pukul 8.30 pagi baru tau jawapannya. Dalam wassap tadi, TNC cakap yang bahawasanya pihak uni mungkin tidak akan hantar sebab ada kos bersama yang kena ditanggung. Waddaheelll. Rasa macam nak cekik cekik je kucing bawah blok ni bila dengar pasal tuh.

Konklusi masalah 1 : Esok adalah hari penentu.

2. Passport
Lagi satu bala. Dah semangat tahan lapar sebab passport ni, satu bencana pulok datang.

Pagi tadi, siap pakai light make up lagi. Aku pergi KDN sebab nak buat passport. Aku dah rancang dah. Sejam je buat passport sebab passport ni diperlukan untuk pergi mission. Dorang nak book tiket. so dengan gembiranya aku pergilaa kaunter dan dia cakap ada masalah. Haoiiiiillaa ~

reason dia adalah 
- aku kena ada surat beranak yang ORIGINAL untuk buat passport. Kenapa ini maslaah ? Well sebab aku kena tunggu dua hari untuk surat beranak aku sampai dan aku takde alamat tetap. Lagipun aku taktau lagi aku nak stay mana sepanjang cuti ni. Hence dah jadi satu masalah]

- passport aku paling awal boleh siap seminggu. Hahahahah. Of cos laa ni masalah paling besar sebab aku kena submit passport dan semua yang related tuh pada 26, means aku ada dua hari sahjo ! LOL, 

3. Medical Check Up
Lagi satu yang buat aku serabut,

Money issue aside, aku kena tunggu result darah aku dua minggu ! Padahal waktu aku kat Sandakan, senang je dalam  masa sejam je aku dah siap semua. HhA.


Masalah 2 dan 3 boleh selesai, insya Allah kalau pihak yang tuh bagi exception. Tapi kalau tak, aku kena tarik diri laa ceritanya.

Tak cukup satu, satu lagi datang. Hmm. Mak tak redha kot aku p Vietnam, sebab tuh  banyak sangat halangan dan dugaannya. Lagipun aku dah 'terlembik' sejak datang semenanjung ni. Makin manja sebab aku selesa sangat kot.

Haa, lagi sekali jangan cliche ckp ni dugaan Tuhan dan suruh aku bersabar. sebab aku masih WARAS lagi untuk fikir tuh sendiri. kalau nak bagi kata semangat, bagilaa yang rare dan tak cliche okey ?

Bismillah.

Aku betul betul taktau nak terang macam mana. But here :

Q : Apa yang paling kau rindu setakat ni, semenjak start puasa ?

A: Aaaa. I miss my family the most, then my awesome sisters. I miss the food from Sandakan so much sometimes I really want to go back and ditch everything. Sejak start puasa ni, semalam baru first time aku makan nasi sebab kebetulan study dekat KFC. I buy the 8 ringgit set. Everytime buka posa, aku makan mee hoon without anything in it except halia dan kentang. Sahur pun begitu. Life has been hard since I'm going to go Vietnam and it needs expenses. So I really miss the 'berbuka puasa' theme food.

Q: Do you want to go back ?

A: Hmm, siapa yang dah hilang akal dan tengah merajuk dengan family ja yang tak nak balik Ramadhan dan Syawal ni. Tapi since aku dah nekad nak pergi sana. I will try my best to compress this homesick feeling. Hwaiting ~

Q: Life has been hard since you want to go to Vietnam. What's so hard about  it ?

A: At first it didn't look like its hard. I was so happy got chosen as one of  UTeM representative and I eagerly wait for the letter. But since the letter comes, its been constant battle with my head, heart and it really drained me.

Q: How so ?

A: Aaa, I need to make my passport and it requires money. But I already secure the money but what really hard is that I don't have transportation to go to KDN and the money I have left isnt much and I heard that the medical check up cost me 30 ringgit but right now I only have 120. 100 for passport and 20 is for my expenses. I want to ask for another 50 ringgit from my sister but she just sent me 50 ringgit this morning. The only left from that 50 ringgit is 20 ringgit cause I had to pay for the gas money, of a friend that I always went wherever together. So its really bugging me. I need money to go to hospital, and what left with me is not much. So its really sad.

Q: So your last paper is on tomorrow night ?

A: Yeah and I was planning on going to medical check up on 25th but I don"t have money and passport and medical check up result need to be sent to the admin by 26th so I was thinking about how can I survive this. Also, I need to go to Bangi as early as possible because I agreed to volunteer in a place and I don't have the bus fee and any money to spent.

Q: What is your feeling now ?

A: I feel like I want to rip the offer letter and pack my things and call my sister to take me home. 10 minutes more to buka puasa and I really don't have anything on my table. Not that I don't preapare anything but I can't just spent the money freely since I really need it. Its really pitiful of me and I wonder how my mother would react if she saw me in this poor state.

Q: Is there anything else ?

A: I don't really like the management here cause the letter(the source of turmoil) which should be received still hasn't been followed up so I'm a bit disappointed. They should do something about it but it seem that even the officer got angry saying that he doesn't receive any instruction. When I told him that I want to forward the email, he was like saying that he knows his jobs and said that the letter should be arrive from TOP to LOWEST level of management. I already offer him the letter and he was like no-no. He should receive it if he thought of other people misreable life.

Q: Do you feel misreable now ?

A: Yes. Really really misreable and pitiful. and litte stressed out.

Q: Any final words ?

A: I want to disappear into bubbles or maybe become a balloon and roam freely in this world.

Asalamualaikum.

Alhamdulillah, sampai di bulan mulia, bulan Ramadhan. Dan dah masuk puasa yang keempat esok. Sebelum aku membebel mengenai janji yang tak tertunai, marilah sesama kita selami perasaan sedih aku yang tak dapat menyambut Ramadhan bersama family aku pada tahun ini. Aku tahu ramai lagi yang tak spent Ramadhan dengan keluarga disebabkan jarak yang memisahkan.

aku just rasa syahdu sebab selama ni mana pernah berpisah daripada family, tetiba berpisah, Ramadhan tak sambut sama, dan selepas ini, Syawal yang menjelang tiba ni pun aku tak akan sambut dengan dorang jugak.

Sebab ?

Sebab aku akn menyertai Misi Sukarelawan di Vietnam. Yang ini nantilaa aku bebelkan.

Janji Tak Tertunai.

Apa tuh ? Sebenarnya post aku sebelum ni aku ada janji nak cerita pasal semester satu di UTeM tapi end up tak cerita hapa kan. Naa itulaa janji yang tak tertunai.

Dan sekarang aku nak study tuk finals. Ada 3 paper lagi Advance Electric, Magnestim dan FST. Insya Allah nanti aku ceritakan.

Janji lagi..

#nampak tak, saja je nak post pasal dapat g Vietnam. kahkahakah.




Mak, I miss you so much cuma mak selalu tuduh aku tak rindu. Ak tak tunjuk sebab kalau aku tunjuk, hari2 mata aku bengkak sebab nangis tak sudah. Sapa tak rindu family weyh ? lagi lagi aku anak bongsu yang smpai sekarang tido ngan mak.


okelaa. Esok paper advance paper paling  gila dalam hidup aku.

ciao.


#NAR

Bismillah.