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H E A L I N G

posting uneventful events since 2013

25 years old.

According to my 10 years plan that I wrote when I was 16, I was supposed to be working as a doctor instead of travelling to site just to fight about as built drawing.
According to my 10 years plan, I should be on my way sending my parents to umrah or something instead of asking my mom to lent me some money so I can survive until next paycheck.
10 years ago, everything seem so bright so wonderful and everything seems so possible. I’m not saying things are not possible now but constraints are more apparent and making decisions are getting harder.
Upon reaching 25, I lost myself a lot. My world changing in a fast pace but I still remain unmoved as I saw people, friends and strangers moving. I strayed and still are, from the path of life since the path that were seem so definite 10 years ago become blurry and disoriented now.
9:42 AM No comments
They have no idea the feel to seek safety on somebody’s arm
Belong to no one and everyone
The daily life of mine slowly changing as the season pass and here i am typing some sort of life entry in my notepad and hoping that i will remember this one day and will be able to recall the feelings that i have when i am writing this piece of heartfelt confession
It was never my intention to be the girl that seek safety inside strangers arm. All i want was the warmth and the feel of being loved. To have someone to myself that i just wanted to be love. No matter how sick, disgusting, unruly, unsightly and ugly the form of love is.
But those were just a fleeting dreams as i drown again and agin, drunk inside my own feelings of wanting to be loved but never really wanted to love back. It is sad and miserable and. The only hope i have is that one day i can encounter someone that have the same idea as mine aout love and at that time I will be able to accept the form of love tha both of us agreed on
We have nothing to lose, nothing to. Gain, nothing to desire anymore
Live fast be young be wild and have fun
9:42 AM No comments
Lexapro My Happy Pills
13/08/2019-31/08/2019
  • I was not officially diagnosed with any mental illness but doctor said that i have mild depression and anxiety, and thats of course not good considering that I have been very stressed with work and other things that I shouldn’t stress about.
  • So taking lexapro is nothing but happiness for me cause i finally feel like a normal human being and I am truly, in 3 years time feels like normal. Like the old me come back. I am very much delighted by that. I started with 5mg for the first 4 days and then 10mg until 31/98/2019.
  • You see, i have an appointment on 26/8 but since i was outstation at that time i cant meet my dr and cant replenish my meds so i just go OKAY WHATEVER LETS FUCKING SEE WHAT GONNA HAPPEN
  • lexapro really helped my mood, really help me stay in focus and I kind of feeling so good when I take them. Just that I’m constantly sleepy but its not a major issue. Gain weight and my appetite is fucking me and i got fatter and fatter.
31/08/2019-22/09/2019
  • can i just say i live in hell during this period of time?
  • I stopped cold turkey and the withdrawal effects are FUCKING ME IN THE HEAD. Insomniac, sudden breathing problems, overthinking, suicidal there and there but I’m a coward so i usually stop doing them and my weight jumps from 78 to 72 real fast like in a week time sebab less sleep and terrible eating habit
  • I have cases where suddenly I’m hyper, doing a lot of things at one time but i cant remember doing them. Or not doing anything, just staying still for few hours, completely blanked out from my surrounding. The only thing that save me from getting caught is that I’m a manipulator. So i just push the blame to everyone else and said i did things but people make it hard for me WHILE ALL THIS TIME I AM THE PROBLEM
  • All the things that made happy, it just come like a wave. Sometimes i lost memory of what i am doing, I’m withdrawing myself more and more, and I CANT REALLY REMEMBER THOSE DAYS
  • My memory, ability to focus and everything you need to function a member of society was disabled
9:38 AM No comments
Dear Me,

My only wish in this pitiful world is to be love as much as I love the other back. To be able to talk and converse in the same language, to be able to grow together holding hands towards the future, to be able to grow old and look back and reflect on it together. I didn’t dream for a fleeting relationship. I want to have, I want to be with someone who can understand me and I, too will try to understand him.
I want to be with someone who share the same vision as me. The one that can look past my hideous self, my twisted personality and my dark heart.
It is just a wishful thinking but I pray, for whoever going to be my future, please take care of yourself for the both of us. It seems like I’m unable to take care of myself for me.
To mt future self, if you read this again sometime later, remember, that you are worthy of people affection. You may be down right now, as I feel when I write this anecdote for you. I pray that what we feel today will somehow be something pleasant for you to look at. It’s no longer a dark days where you’re brooding over thinga that you dont know.
Hey my future self, take care now. I have been neglecting myself and you will have to carry the consequences now.
Love
Me from the past, 2019
9:36 AM No comments
Spiralling
Confusing
Thinking
It feels like walking in a circle
Walking thinking walking
Looking at the corner of this endless spiral of thoughts
Pretending that at every corner I will find the answer I’m looking for
Is this loneliness
Is this depression
Is this just an old habit of engulfing myself into a complicated things that I shouldn’t bother myself with?
Is this anxiety?
Sprouted from the loneliness and the time I’ve spent alone
Looking ahead trying to find the right way
I just keep meeting bumping the same corner of the endless circle that spiraling through everything
I walked and walked and ran and walked
inside the never ending circle
Looking ahead to find it
But then again as I look back
To the darkness behind me
I asked myself
What is it that I’m desperately trying to look for?
What exactly I’m running towards to?
What exactly I’m trying to look for?
Then everything stopped
The ticking time
The adrenaline
The echoing sound my feet makes
The sound of my own heartbeat
Thr trickling sweat behind me on my forehead
everything comes to a still.
This is me now
Transported from the endless spiralling circle
into an unfamiliar box surrounded by darkness
the invisible wall that seems to trap me
The echo of my voice that seems to shout back at me
The endless darkness beyond my eyes
The feeling of lost that suddenly so real
shrieking into my ears with the hollow sound of the blowing wind
the entrapment
everything
———

The box that I fell into has gone
The darkness that making me insane has gone
I looked at my surrounding and feel at peace
I looked at my blackened feet
My hands that doesn’t feel mine
The blackness
The darkness that was once so foreign is already engulfing me
Slowly and steadily
The darkness keep protruding my skin
I am one with the dark
Maybe it was my fault
In the midst of trying to understand the darkness
I never even once trying to get myself out
I never fight them
All I can think is how the foreign little world I fall into can be much more comfortable compared to the spiraling circle with no end
Not realizing I just fall into another world where everything has no end
Not the spiraling circle
Not the darkness
——
Is it fair to blame the darkness that surrounds me when the blackness from my heart is the same as what was surrounding me?
9:34 AM No comments
I give up.
I give up trying to give my attention and all my love to one person
I give up
I give up trying to understand things that I shouldn’t bother myself with
I give up
I’m giving up on you
I give up
The love that I tried giving doesn’t seem to heal me but break me even further
9:32 AM No comments
//depression&anxiety

When I started telling people I have attacks (anxiety attack), everyone stares at me with disbelief. Why should I have anxiety?
That’s why I stop telling people and just stop talking altogether about it to others. People said, it’s just in your mind. You need to do this, you need to do that. Trust me, I have done everything that I can think of, and most of everything people have said to me.
Did it stop?
You know the answer.
No, it never stop.
Will it stop?
Maybe.
It’s been 3 years. My anxiety attack comes in many form but the most recent and mostly occurred to me is when my body shut itself. I can’t function like a normal person. I’m sick but even doctor can’t tell me why and what. I either sleep or don’t sleep at all. I binge eating or I don’t eat at all. I worked until my eyes blurry and my head spinning or I just sit down and stare at my works.
When it hit me, it usually comes slowly and then all at once.

The first sign would be I can’t do simple chores, I forgot things. When this happened, I just brush it off as me, being lazy. Not until I can’t make my own bed in the morning, the fact I can’t do my laundry, the fact I can’t sit still. The light annoys me, the sound around me annoys me. The people annoys me. I stop replying to people, I stop talking and all I want is to be with myself. Drowning inside the feeling of helplessness and looking at the abyss as it stares back at me.
Then the others follow.
Migraine
Gastric
Insomnia
Back pain
Coughing
Until I collapse with blankness in my head
9:30 AM No comments
14/07/2019


Tipu kalau aku tak rasa apa malamtu.

He’s different from his usual him.
The way he talk, the way he walk,
the way he look at me,
the way he willingly to listen to me,
it just different.
He used to refuse holding on my purse.
He used to refuse slight touching
He used to speak harshly to me
He used to use bad words with me
Tapi malam tu
He hold my purse
He place his hand on my arm rest and our shoulders slightly touching
He used to avoid even that
Tapi malam tu he just let it and he even inclined his head towards meeee
He speaks softly towards me
He look at me tenderly
He just different
Just look at this picture and tell me you didn’t get the good vibe from it
It’s my new addiction
Looking at this picture
Sebab we look a lot like a lover
Though we will never be
I’m going to entertain myself with that thought
Maybe for awhile until he found himself a new girl
Maybe until this feelings fade
It’s just a slight crush
I’ll get over this
I’ll find someone yang akan sayang aku
Maybe not him
But the idea pleases me
So lemme berangan for a while
9:29 AM No comments
The acoustic session
The winds that blows
The smell of booze mixed in the air
The sound of cars
The sound of whispers and small laugh
All of them is so new yet so familiar
------------------------------


The bustling sound that surrounds me
The acoustic guitar followed by mellow voice
The kind of music I listen to when I’m feeling down
The smell of booze and cigar
The small chatters
How do I explain this feeling of contempt
Like finding a place to belong
The feels of free, the feels of just feeling
——
Tak pernah daku merasa begini
Bunyi gitar akoustik
Bunyi daripada bangunan disebelah
Yang para pekerja masih kuat membantung tulang
Bunyi kenderaan di bawah kaki
Yang enginnya berbunyi bunyi
Bau minuman keras
Bau rokok dan vape
aduh bagaimana ingin ku jelaskan
Sepertinya tempat ini sangat biasa bagiku
Tapi masih juga tetap berikan ku aman
Apa ini ya?





9:23 AM No comments
14/4/19

Asalamualaikum semua. Semalam aku pergi sesi kaunseling. Ahad depan ada sesi hypnosis, untuk trace balik trauma. Kalau lepas sesi, dia cakap kena pergi dr, baru ada surat referral to psychiatrist. Kalau dia rasa boleh treat dgn kaunseling, just go on dgn sesi kaunseling sahjo. Tolong jangan tanya aku kenapa, kenapa nda share sebab aku pun nda tau kenapa. Aku pun nda tau mau share apa. Jangan terus call aku jugak, aku kerja skrg. Nda mau emosi skrg, banyak mau setel. Aku bagitau ni sebab aku nda mau simpan health record ni sendiri.
It hurts me not be able to send it over to you guys about my health condition. I can mever explain why I am feeling this way. I don’t know if I blame you guys for being the source of this unidentifiable feelings. It hurts me knowing that you guys probably will never know about this side of me. I also knew that it wouldn’t be a shock to you guys that I have illness.

// tracing back to the day when I finally decided that I should get help.
9:22 AM No comments
// to my dearest Farhana, Part II

I can still remember the emptiness
I can still feel the darkness that crept upon me
The condescending feeling
As if I had committed a crime
As if I had hurt you
What have I done?
What did I say?
Why did you push me away so hard?
Where did I go wrong?
After two years, does everything that ever happend between us is just something that forgettable? I tried to seal the hurt. Every damn time I tried, the wound keep bleeding and I can’t take it anymore. Have you ever think of what i feel in the moments where you acts so cruel? We live in the same house, breath the same air, went to the same place. Yet we were estranged.
How did this happen? Why? What did I do to you? What did I say? Am i not a good friend? Why can’t you tell me? Why are you avoiding me? Is it because you have depression? Is it because you’re sick? Why why why did you do this to me
The pain is so unbearable
The pain is so suffocating
The more i try to forget
The more the memories of lying there in the dark, waiting for some enlightenment to come
and convince me to move on
The more the pain comes
I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you
I’m sorry if I weren’t there when you need me
I’m sorry if I ever make you sad
I’m sorry if I’m not who you thought I am
I wish you happiness as I always do.
9:17 AM No comments
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About me

About Me


A potato.
Posting uneventful life events since 2013.
Traveler.
writing, drawing and photography is my passion but I suck at it so I just write, draw and took pictures that look like shit

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