H E A L I N G

//crushing at my best friend

Slowly and then all at once. That’s how I fall for you. It started small, with just our daily exchange. When you become my safe place to go to when I’m down, when I went to you when I feel vulnerable. Slowly, the feeling crept in. Silently and gracefully.

There are moments when I looked back, it feels special for me. The late night movie session, when we talk nonsense in McD waiting for the rain after we look for your new spectacles, the way we talk when you are driving. Sometimes, when you give me complete control on how our day should be, and be firm enough to get angry when I’m acting childish.
I wish you are the one. Its a wishful thinking but I never wish this hard for someone and you’re the one I want.
I know we can’t be more than friends. When I look into your eyes, I saw the insecurities, the hurdles that you need to bypass. It’s not easy as saying I like you because I know you’re a responsible man.
Truthfully I am jealous to all the girls that you think about.

"Listen, people who know they are evil are always honest. There's nothing more distorted and ugly than dealing with violence under the pretense of justice. The only People who can live without noticing their own suspiciousness and not bat an eyelid are you guys. but that normal.

- taiga & roku

I once believed. Believed that there would be someone on this earth that who would understand my sufferings, care about my pain and also, save me from it. However, all the people on this earth live in the middle of the abyss of suffering. everyone is praying that such person will appear. since such person does not simply not exist. since there isn't anyone who would care about your sadness, then starting from today, I will no --

Circle

during this lifetime, how many things have we missed out on? There are things that, even if you try your best to grab a hold of them, and keep them, in the they will still eventually leave you. At the wrong time, at the wrong place, with a wrong choice. you can say that this world is full of conditions. each conditions means an encounter, every conditions means separation. Just how hard do we have to try in order to achieve our own true happiness? When a situation becomes disastrous, or when the best choice is to end it, it means separation which mean a new beginning. The next time we meet, we will have changes and become even stronger, even more perfect. And then, at the correct time and correct place, in a proper way, we'll restart with a different kind of fated meeting.

Exactly when did life become like the falling into and endless circle. Every day, you must pass through the same scenery. Every day, you must look over the same messages. everyday you must open the same door, everything becomes so ordinary. The me that has lost you, is like a bird that has lost its wings. losing the desire for the blue sky, losing the desire for the seas, it can only exist in your covered up memories, pacing endlessly in that cycle.

I remembered one night where someone’s text something about my upbringing on our group rumah sewa. To be fair, I was laughing my heart out looking at RM videos. It was nearing Isyak when the text come. I’m still in my telekung after maghrib.
I remember reading it and then run barefooted, to the nearest playground near my house. I cried my heart out and thinking what did I do wrong. What did I do that offended people so much? Am I wrong to be laughing that way? Or is it the time was wrong to be laughing. We were practically next to each other and I swear you could’ve directly told me to shut up instead of texting me in the group about it.
2017 was a year where I lost myself countless time, my self esteem and self confidence were at the lowest. Honestly it continued until now. It makes me really afraid of engaging with people. It makes me really timid. It makes me feel that all my life until that point, I’ve hurt countless people with what I said, what I did. Not to mention, some people I know from school often told me I’m an evil person or I’m scary.
I was in a state where I lose interest on doing anything that related to people, afraid that if I did, I would’ve hurt someone in the process. I was trying to accommodate everyone’s wishes. Afraid that I’ll hurt another soul. Afraid that I am the toxic friend.
It was a nightmare.
If I recall those moments or I stumbled upon the anecdotes that I made during those days, the pain is still there. I can vividly remember everything and usually it cost me probably two to three days to properly manage myself again.
I forgive myself. I’m moving on but the pain and the suffering that were inflicted by others and by myself would never leave me completely.

Alhamdulillah with that, 2019 has past. Everyone were saying goodbye to 2019 and welcoming 2020. Last year I have no memory of the new year’s eve cause I simply don’t care. It’s just another holiday.
2017 were the worst, 2018 saw me improving and thriving for a better me but 2019 sank me to the bottom of the ocean, six thousand feet under.
Fatigued, stressed out, depressed and lost.