H E A L I N G

This kinda hurts. I want to show him to the world but I can’t.

I want him to show me but then I remember his video, of his fiancée eating and my heart shattered. Shattered into million pieces. If only the sound can be heard. The sound would be so loud, the building will be shaken

But who am I to say this. I am merely a beggar for his love. I know he never like me the I like him. It was not the same. He was just thinking that I can somehow give him comfort, can ease his lonely heart, can help him but other than that. I am just someone who is a transient shade to him.

He will never choose me, I hope he don’t. But having this kind of relationship is not healthy for me but why do I chase guys like this?

Why do I continue hurting myself?

Why do I have to go through this kind of hurtful love again?

I am so tired

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macamnila senang.

I wouldn’t be able to talk about this in front of your fucking face but I think I need to start talking, or in this case, typing. first and foremost, I personally think that acknowledge that I do have some romantic feelings towards you is important. second, I give up.

I give up taking care of your feeling when you don’t even show any sign of taking care of mine. I am tired, like fucking tired. I was always, always salah if something happens. It will and always my fault. Even if it’s yours, you throw guilt card to me and I will blame myself, say sorry and YOU WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPEN. Continue ws and call me like there’s nothing happened between us.

sometimes I hate myself for falling for you. yeah I fucking falling for you, despite you lied to me. break up?? fuck you! you are fucking engaged and you said you’ve break up?? What kind of lie you’re spouting on that day, I never know and I don’t really want to know anything, not anymore. Not anymore, I don’t want to be hurt anymore.

Friends?? Why are we so afraid? Hiding behind the term friends? yeah those shitty term saves your ass from thinking further than you want to. Rindu? Can feel the difference when I’m changing? those kind of things only apply to two people who know each other tooooo well or they just have a strong bond over them.

how you going to explain us? you can’t because you lied to me, lied to your fiancé and you lied to yourself. that’s why I give up. I seriously give up giving out my love to people who didn’t appreciate them. I give up taking care of people who in turn never even care for me. I give up being the good girl everyone adore. My heart is tired.

I’m really tired.

so I wish you happiness, just like I have wished someone just like you who by chance were in my life. This is not the first time someone makes me their spare girl/girlfriend. Truth is, it starting to hurt, like really hurt.

I can always smile at you but please stay away. I don’t want to help you anymore. I don’t want to listen to you anymore. I don’t want to invest my time in someone who think of me as someone convenient. Someone you can go back to, vent your emotion, and then go.

I’m tired. I’m really tired Cui

I don’t want to listen to your problem anymore, no matter what it is. It will make me weak and I will go back to you. I have soft spot for you, I can leave everything just for you and that’s how big my feeling towards you have grown.

I must have misunderstood the way you treat me. I really want to believe that’s the case. But every time we were together, every time I touched you, the feelings just get stronger and it’s really scary.

I’m sorry. I wish you happiness. I wish you have a good life. I pray that I will never hurt you or anyone. I wish that you will always be blessed with love and ease.

I’m tired Cui and I want to mend my broken heart. Again, I wish you happiness.

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