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H E A L I N G

posting uneventful events since 2013

A very misleading title.

Before we continue, let’s recite Al Fatihah for all 239 passenger and MAS crew members from MH370. May Allah place them among the righteous people. Amin. Condolences to all  MH370 passengers and crews families.

Now, let’s be happy and smile.

The turbulent months (lol) have passed. After months waiting for the result, it’s finally out and I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT FURTHER. It’ll break my heart. Plus, I already told about it on my previous post.


Let’s now move on.

After STPM, naturally, we (STPMers) will straightly go for a degree course. Well, except for people who accidentally wasted their 1 and half years in Pre University and failed. Not that I blame the person, but whose fault it is that you’ve failed. No. no, no, do not judge me baby. I’m not looking down at people who have failed. Me, myself can be considered a failed person. 

Yeah I passed the 2.00 barrier but what course can I exactly take with such a poor result.

 *sigh*

When people asking me what course that I’m interested in, I just say random things or I would say I don’t know either.  

I’ve tried countless method to see what my interest are but it seems that I really love random things. Learning random things is okay what.

Mr D once said that: - Choose something that you love-

Well, Mr D, I love everything. Now how we solve this problem?


Today, I’ve read an article about regret. I love this the most

- In your 20’s, when making what feel like life-changing decisions on a daily basis, it is difficult for honesty to take top billing. In fact, it often feels like we have altered the relationship between honesty and regret by making the fear of regret the most powerful motivator. If I take a new job, will I regret leaving my old one? Will I regret not having traveled or having traveled too much? Will I regret breaking up with this guy? By the same coin, we use regret as a constant threat. “I just don’t want you to regret this later,” or “she’ll be the one to ultimately regret it.”I’ve wondered if this use of regret is a millennial trait, and thought about why “regret” is a word – and a feeling – that for our generation seems to hold so much weight. Perhaps we are at an age where self-honesty is tough, or perhaps it’s merely symptomatic of the fact that we still haven’t lived enough to put things in perspective. Or maybe, what we are labeling as “regrets” should actually be called “choices.” –

Hari  nii je dah masuk minggu ke berapa entah aku tengah pening memikirkan mengenai UPU.

Isi memang laa senang. Isi butir butir diri dan SPM tuh takyah cakaplaa. Tutup mata pun boleh. Tapi bila den nak ngisi pilihan course dan juga university, aduh, nak robek mata den nengok screen computer neh. Punya laa banyak pilihan, semua pun mcam best je .

Pilihan university autonomi tuh yang buat senak, yelaa. University terkemuka tuh, pointer barrier semua depa nak 2.5 ke atas. Nak nangis den nengok result yang tak lepas pun 2.20 barrier. Aisehh, kempunan laa den nak merasa university hebakk. Bukan ak tak pohon, ada je aku isi dekat 4 pilihan tuh, tapi ak tak nak kecewa di bulan 8 neh, time keluar result UPU dan nengok takda university autonomi tuh. Alaaa, tak mati pun kalau tak masuk kat sana, kan? (( TT.TT hati kena squeeeewwweez)

Pilihan 8 university lain tuh, ak main isi je, memana aku nengok bagus, aku letak laa, tapi mostly IT dan ijazah yang berkaitan dengan laut seperti, Ijazah Sarjana Muda Teknologi Marin(huh?) , Ijazah Sarjana Muda Samudera Laut (nak jadi navy ke hapa?), Ijazah Sarjana Muda Sains Nautika dan Pengangkutan Maritim(huh? Ini tempias nengok Rihanna dalam movie Battleship laa ne)

Bahagian IT pulok, den ada isi untuk Ijazah Sarjana Muda Sains Komputer (Rangkain keselamatan dan ??), den lupa loh. Lagi satu tuh, Ijazah Sarjana Muda Komputer Maritim (tergabung laa IT dan jugak laut laut neh.)

Yang lain tuh dah malas nak ingat, Insya Allah aku update/kemaskini sebelum 7 April neh. Ingat nak ambik Law dan simpan TESL dalam salah satu pilihan tuh. Kot. Tadi dah puas aku nengok serata internet, nengok pointer barrier tuk Ijazah Sarjana Muda Undang Undang bagi lululasan Sains STPM. Nak nangis pun ada, nak gelak pun ada. Pointer barrier tuk UKM adalah 3.00, yang lain tak Nampak sangat tapi macam nengok SPM je dan kena ada MUET Band 4.

Yang MUET tuh aku okaaaaaaayyyyyyy, sekali nengok pointer barrier, aduh nak pengsan den dibuotnya.
Kalau TESL pulak, Alhamdulillah, lepas semua barrier, tapi masalah dengan dua course ni ialah, ada temuduga.

TE-MU-DU-GA-AAAA

*DEEP SIGH*

Waktu SPM hari tuh(3 tahun lalu sebenarnya) takdanya aku pening macam ne, sebab lepas SPM, everthing is possible(konon). Wow, back then, I was a naïve child and believe the impossible. After SPM, all the road to life was wide open and I just need one step to get out of my pitiful 17 years old life. Nak ingat balik kejajalan sendiri pun, dah naik seram aku. Yelah, dulu waktu SPM, manada nak fikir dan membebankan diri sendiri apa kejadah nanti akan berlaku dengan diri sendiri lepas masuk U. The aftermath and everything. Yang penting dapat masuk U. Ish ish *geleng kepala laju laju* memang naïve betul pemikiran budak SPM itu. KEhkehkeh.

Bila dah jadi budak lepasan STPM neh, lain pulak pattern nya. Banyak benda aku fikir hanya nak mengisi 12 pilihan jurusan Ijazah kat borong UPU tuh. Baru terpikir bahawasanya, aku keluar dari U ni, nak kerja apa?, bukan lagi simply isi je, nanti-okleaa-tuh punya mind set. Ceh, kira matang laa ni kan ? Kuhkuhkuh

Honestly, aku betul betul tak tahu nak kerja apa. Bukan typo ye, memang betul laa tuh. Kerja apa ?

Aku bukan fikir nak ambil degree apa, tapi lebih kepada nak kerja apa. Punya banyak graduan kat Malaysia neh yang tak bekerja disebabkan salah memilih degree (tak tau berapa ramai, tapi mestilaa banyak kan? ) Ataupun yang setengah mati korban separuuh nyawa, tidur, sanggup berhutnag dengan PTPTN hanya nak dapat Ijazah/Diploma tapi lepas tuh bawa lori ikan. (maaf, post ini tidak ditujukan kepada sesapa, sekadar contoh. Kalau mengena, yaa, truth hurts.)

Aduh, kadang kadang aku ada terpikir kenapa laa aku neh sangat praktikal orangnya. Biarpun tak berapa rasional dan kekadang a big idiot and airhead. Kenapala aku tak pilih je jurusan memana jelah dan buat sikap tak peduli je. Yang penting dapat masuk U. Ceh, kalau laa ak berfikiran macam tuh mesti aku malu nak tayang muka. Yelaa, umur dah nak masuk 20 tahun tapi masih berfikiran macam budak 2 tahun. Lol
Dan sebab terbaca banyak sangat buku menarik, macam macam kerjaya aku jumpa. Kerja yang tak seberapa hebat pun tetiba boleh jadi hebat sebab penulis yang suka sangat bagi image yang kerja tu sangat sangat bagus. Weew, setakat neh, sebab banyak sangat baca Patricia Cornwell, John Grisham, Ann Rice dan nengok anime/ baca manga penyiasatan, huh, tuh tak kira lagi episode Sherlock Holmes(yang ada Benedict Cumberbatch ngan oh so cute Martin Freeman!), CSI lagi dan juga the sweet old Agatha Christie punya series. Memang nak jadi crime investigator takpun jadi kerja kat lab cari jenayah. Waoooo ~ memang terpengaruh habis.

Pastu aku pernah baca pasal mental disorder, bukan satu je tapi banyak tau. Both fiction and non fiction. Dan aku terus tertarik nak jadi pakar orang gila (psikitari ke ?) lantas teringat yang aku pernah letak dalam senarai cita cita aku kerjaya sebagai Pakar Psikiatari Kanak Kanak (aku eja betul kah neh ?). Yang neh aku simpan dalam boring waktu lepas UPSR kot. Rasanya la. Waktu tuh definesi psikiatari tuh pun ak tak tahu, dah besar panjang macam neh eja pun tak pandai. Kehkehkeh.  Dulu dulu kan MedikTV kan popular, selalu main kat TV3, buat aku punya nafsu nak jadi doctor meluap luap (bahasa apa yang aku guna ne ???) cehh, asyik terpengaruh je.



Bila dah besar, jumpa ramai orang dari luar Negara, full access to the other side of the world without even have to go there dan always virtually melancong ke Negara Negara lain always make me want to travel. Buat kerja travelling aje sampai tua. Pergi melancong dan jadi nomad. Ramai je yang buat macam tuh masih elok bernyawa lagi pun.

Tapi, apa sebenarnya yang aku suka neh ? Aku nak belajar benda yang aku suka, buat kerja yang boleh buat aku gembira.

Tapi apa sebenarnya yang buat aku gembira?



| Alia |







2:58 PM No comments
- I've realised that just simply trying to understand what's most precious to me won't necessarily protect it -

Alhamdulillah. Syukur. Syukur. Syukur. Itu saja yang aku mampu ucap saat ini.

Senak kat perut dah hilang berganti dengan kegembirann tahap 3. Yelahh, kalau melebihi tahap 3 tu maybe after result ulangan 3 keluar. Kot.

Kelmarin result penuh dah keluar. Memanh berdebar habis aku. Gaya macam tunggu kucing beranak pun ada. Alhamdulillah, check aje result, nak melompat lompat aku kat office, namun harus maintain ayu. AhAA.

My biggest regret ? None.



Nasib baik mimpi ngere tak menjadi kenyataa. Iyalaa, kalau korang nengok kimia punya F yang berturut umpama tiada hari esok, memang sedih weh waktu main kira kira ngan wajran tuh. Tapi alhamdulillah, all is well.

Kelmarin sampai sanggup tipu bos semata nak jalan ngan my ex. Hha, plan nak jalan ngan dorang c Nur, tapi aisehh, lama suda ak tak jalan ngna ex aku tuu ~ lol Aku pun takda komen hapa hapa pasal kami sebab kami bukan kapel, ehem, biarpun bergayut berjam jam, jalan sama sama (lol) and sejibik macam normal kapel. But NO, we're not. Dan aku pun lantas terpikir, wow aku pernah tersuka ngan dia neh. hahahaha, OMG, gilagila eh, aku pun tak sangaka yang pernah suka dia. kahkah.

Rasanya takde laa yang best sangat kecuali aku pergi potong lagi rambut aku pendek dah macam tomboy daa. Kahkah, gila lama da ak ngidam style macam ne, baru kelmarin dapat sebab aku smebunyi pergi kedai gunting rambut tuh.

Aku dah potong dah sebenarnya hari tuh. Sebab aku bosan. Jaid aku pergi potong sebijik macam Maria dari Akuma no Love Song, tapi susah sangat nak maintain curl dia. Sebab my curls outward instead of inwatds like MARIA. So, I kinda pissed off with that styles plus rambut aku akan mengerbang lol kalau pagi.


So I cut it again yesterday. Missis tukang gunting rambut tuh cakap aku makin cantik. -///- terharu gilee



Minus the bang, you'll figure out how my hair look like.

| Alia |



1:13 PM No comments
Have you guys ever feeling just feeling tired from all this bullshit that keeps happening in your life ? 

Well I do. Like today. Suddenly I hate how cramp my desk with papers. When I said my desk is cramped with papers, I really mean it. It is cramp with all those paper works from Admin and HR deparment. Ahh, and now I hate how my boss is sitting at the back and I hate it how I can’t understand the Mandarin. This tiny office that cramp 4 department into it is somehow getting small and smaller by the day and I hate it. Right now, there are 4 Chinese, one Indonesian and a malay (me) in this cramped office and the conversations mainly using Mandarin because only my Chinese co worker/Bosses are speaking in this office. I would be lying if I say I don't understand what they're saying because I do understand some part of it. Especially when they badmouthed others.

Actually, this day become extremely annoying day because today is DA DAY! The result will be out in less than 2 hours and I’m shaking like crazy here. That not the only reason, Of course I hate this day because firstly, I’m working but both my heart and my head are with my bed at home. Secondly, I’m super extremely pissed off with my boss for no reasons. Suddenly I had this intense hateful feeling towards her for no ABSOLUTE reasons. Thirdly, I’m so sleepy I dozed off in the morning briefing with my eyes open. Now, would you look at that, I’ve been developing a new technique.  Forth, because I’m damn nervous, my stomach has been doing some weird kyuu kyuu noise and then it will grumble and I felt like my stomach is twisted around. Ugh. I’m feeling sick ><

The only good thing happens to me is this morning I was on the same bus with the cutie plus handsome Housekeeping part timer that look exactly like Kai and his body portion, height and smile are just perfectly match my ideal. Who is Kai ?  No, not the Kai from Exo. Of course I love the Exo Kai but I love Kai from Suki tte Iinayo moaaree ~ Hhaa. When Kai first appear in Sukitte iinayo, I'm like so dumbstruck because first, I love his hairstyle !! I love his gentle and caring side despite the delinquent look. And LOVE him when he punch Kurosawa Yamamoto (the main lead/hero of the story). Ohogogo, don't ask me why but  I just love when the boys fight. Kahkahakaha. 



Anyway, I was fangirling over Yamamoto like there's no other male character in the story then Kai appears and my world has complete >_< kyaaaa ~ okay, this is too much fangirling over a guy who doesn't even exist. Back to the cutie-handsome-Kai-look-alike part timer who I had instant crush when I first saw him. Like I said he have this perfect height, taller than me and his smile is just wow, what a murderously gorgeous smile it struck my heart. So we are on the same bus and I glare at him because I glare at people everyday until he talk to me. HE TALK TO ME !! But I didnt hear him because well, I'm sorry I'm in my own world with music blasting in full volume directly to my ear and Japanese song was playing, not to mention I opened my book as soon as I sat. But, he make the effort to talk to me and I think flower are blooming behind my back -/////- whoa ~ what a sweet guy. I can now die in peace ☺

Now, what you do when you favourite character comes to live ? 

I think thats enough fangirling and back to work. Now I'm feeling more refreshed.

By the way, this is Kai from Suki tte ii na yo.That hair ! And that smile!!











11:21 AM No comments
" If you had the chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it ? And if you did, would you be big enough to stand it ? "


After leaving my blog for a whole month without any entry, I would like to spit out my thoughts on family. My family. I came from a family of 5, my parents, onee chan and onii chan. They are and always be my precious treasure. ALWAYS. 

But the stories doesn't concern me, my sister or my brother. This story, or more like my story, is about my parents. They are, somewhat I lost word for describing them. I don't think there's any words to describe how I feel about them. But like I said, this is my story of my parents. The story from a child who have been through a hell lot of experiences as she watch her family becomes how they've become.

------------------------------------------------------------------
Again today, as I watched my mother eat with a grin across her face, I could not help but smile and felt a little throb in my heart. Her smile stung me. When she asked me what, how can I answer her when I'm still in the midst of questioning myself? 

In my mind, there's a lot of question waiting to be answered. But how can I ask my mother these questions ? Being a book worm since the age of 12, I've read countless romantic-happily ever after story, I've read thousands heart breaking stories of people and their suffering, I've read anything and everything that always made me smile like a silly girl. Due to all those books I've read, it's not my fault when I wanted a life just like the happily ever after stories but the truths hurts and reality bites.

My parents divorce when I'm 18 years old. Why ? As a mama girl, of course I'll put the blame on my father. But, both of them have their own share of faults when it comes to the questions why and what happens. 

Why my mother ask for a divorce ?

Why my father go with my mother request after all this time ? After 25 years ? 

Why did this happen ? Why did everything fell apart the way they are now ? Why must you hate each other ? WHY ? Why must you fight over the smallest little things ? Why ?

Mom ? Don't you love him ?

Do you love him? When you were sitting there waiting for father to legally took you as his wife ? 

Do you love him ? During those two years before sister comes to your life ?

Do you love him ? During the birth of sister then followed by brother ?

Do you love him ? When you have to put sister under else care as you travel across the state with him and brother ?

Do you still love him ? When you finds out that he's a drug addict ?

Do you love him ? When you were forced to work so that you can provide us with foods and clothes ?

Do you love him ? When he steals and hurt you ?

Do you love him ? When you found out that he was with another women ? Do you ?

Do you love him ? When all your children has grow up and he's not there to watch it ?

D o you love him ? When he brings home nothing but troubles ?

Do you love him, Mom ? When he said the word ? When he finally let you go ? 

One last question mom, Do you love him after all this time ? Were your feeling to him years before are true ? 



Hey Pa ? What are we to you ? Are we are burden to you ? I still cannot forget the day when you divorce mom, I still can't forget no matter how much I wanted to the night when you cried. 

What have gone wrong ? What's wrong with what you have ? Why must you be like this ? Why you put us through this misreable life ? Why did you lie ? Why did you break apart ! Why ?! Why ?! Why can't we be the happy family just like everyone else ? Why don't you show up when it's time to watch me dance or sing ? Why aren't you there when I need you the most ? Why ? Where did you go all this years when I want you the most ? Why you never looked at me the way I always wanted ? Do you love mother during this 25 years of lies, fight and love ?

No, I don't want your money. What I really want is those 18 wasted years. What I want is a family where we all live happily ever after even after the fights, even after we hurts each other because that's how family works. 

CAN YOU GIVE ME THAT WASTED YEARS OF TEARS, DECEIT AND HURTS ?

But time waits for no one. Times doesnt come back even if you wanted it so badly. 

What I know now, how I grow up to be, all thanks to this two person, my mother and my father.

I would be lying if I say I didn't blame them for what I've been through as a child and  as a girl. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a drug addict daughter or to admit that I came from a wreck family.

My father, though he's a drug addict, I still live him. My mother, despite her anger and all her weakness as a woman, I love her throughly. I always and always love them, no matter what happen to them and what they have become.

Because, even if they have kids and wearing father and mother title, they still humans, and humans have feelings. Of that, I know and that's how I accept my father and my mother.

" Why do kids assume so much from one parent and hold another to a lower and looser standard ? But, a child should never choose "

===================================================================


One more chance,
the memories stopped my legs
one more chance,
I cannot choose my next destinations
One more time
One more chance,
Lets go back to the time,
To the time that once exist
The time when we are happy
and the dreams come trues

- | Alia | -
8:39 PM No comments
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About me

About Me


A potato.
Posting uneventful life events since 2013.
Traveler.
writing, drawing and photography is my passion but I suck at it so I just write, draw and took pictures that look like shit

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