I never thought that one day I will involve in the situation where I am the one who are troubled. I was always at the listening side. But when I have someone to listen to, I have none. Why? It creeps upon me, slowly and then all at once. It creeps upon me quietly. At the very beginning, I struggle with the simplest and easiest thing but I choose to ignore them.
It will pass, I tell myself. It was just another bad day. I was convince that I am not sick. I am just having on of those gloomy days of my life. I was convinced. One day, it will end. I was convinced it will. But it’s not. I’m clearly stuck in this state of mind where I’m used to put on a smile when I go out from the house and when I come home, I can only lay down, binge watching dramas just to run away from my reality.
The cycle repeat itself, I walk and live among people, smile and laugh even when I have no recollection of doing so, nor that I remember the feeling of happiness. I did that just because everyone were doing it. I did because if I don’t, what is the purpose of me living? I tried to play along, live along for the past one and half years. It was a slow process. That’s why I fall even deeper nowadays. I started to back away from everyone.
I keep everything inside and told no one that I have all these weird emotions, thoughts that I can never handle. I put on a smile but inside of me is crumbling. Inside me, I feel nothing. I was supposed to happy yet I feel nothing. I question myself everyday if I deserve to be living.
Whether I deserve to be where I am, living the life I’m living.
Am I worth it?
Do I?
All satisfaction are gone. All the little feelings I used to feel seems insignificant now. Even waking up is painful, all those simple task is painful. My motivation is gone. The force that keep me alive is gone and I felt like I’m just a hollow case that able to walk and talk. I keep on trying to be happy. I laughed with other, I tried all those lame jokes, I tried to go back to how I used to be yet everything seem pointless. I can’t find myself.
Days seems to fly away unnoticed yet everyday feel like it’s moving in slow motion. Every day I told myself that this is the day when I will get out from the vicious cycle yet another day pass while I’m still covered in white noise and helplessness. I feel like there’s this lump in my throat, the heaviness that fill mind and spilling out from my body uncontrollably.
Whenever I feel a rush of happiness, my mind keep telling me I don’t deserve to be happy. There is a part of me that want everything to be alright. I want to make amend and be well again. Every day I have the urge to do better and get out form the cycle that hurts me. But it was short lived, and I left again with this tremendously heavy feelings that keep me from going out.
Yet my mind tells me to stay, be alone where no one will ask any question. I lost my purpose. I lost my will. I wonder if it’s because I’m heart broken. I wonder if I’m just tired with people expectation with me. I wonder if I’m just lazy. I wonder if I’m just feeling it. I wonder if I put myself, I force myself to fall into this state of living. I turned my head back. I turned to where I was still able to wake up with positivity radiating from me.
I turned back to see my old self going around from one place to another, talking to people, doing things the way they should be done. But I lost some of my function. Even writing this is hard. The task that I used to finished within 15 minutes turned into days. Where is my motivation to live this life? I search for it, inside and outside of me yet I still can’t find it. The more I search for it, the more I feel like I will never found the answer.
I’m tired.
I'm tired living in sadness.
I’m tired living with heartache.
I’m so tired.
Sometimes I wonder how I can still breathe. I wonder how I survive this long with this loneliness. I’m so tired already. I want to open my eyes and all of these miserable feelings end. I want to wake up and find myself no longer in agony over things that never exist. I want to be better and feel better.
