H E A L I N G

Cui,

Thank you for everything and I am sorry for everything.

I always write notes for you like this, whenever I feel confused, raged or any feelings I have felt towards you. This probably the last note I write and the only note I’m sending to you.

Sometimes I wish that I meet you sooner, when you are not with her or any girls. But I also know if I meet you sooner, maybe I won’t be able to feel what I feel for you, like I do now.

Actually, aku taknak bergaduh dengan kau. Aku dah lama avoid dari cakap benda ni tapi I was hurt. It hurts bila org yg kau sayang ada depan mata but he’s not yours. Aku tau kalau aku cakap pasal ni, mesti akan berakhir dgn buruk. Like now.

Seriously aku memang taknak kehilangan kau. I thought that staying as a friend pun dah cukup tpi manusia ni tamak. I want something more and I know you can’t give me those. Dan akhirnya aku end up salah faham dgn kau.

I’m sorry Cui. I wish you happiness, just like I have wished for you in those countless notes I wrote. I pray that we never wronged each other.

Thank you.

'Please let me go if you don't want me'

Aftermath

To think that I’m so weak towards everything. 

I woke up trying to ignore all the pain. 

I successfully did but then again, it gradually build up and makes me feel so suffocated.

If this is the price for walking away from the people you love then I think I will have to endure this for a little while longer. It’s okay, I’ve done this before and I’m going to do it again.

Although the pain gets stronger everyday, I will endure it. Just like I always did. Just like I always do. The pain will go away sooner or later and I will be good again. But I hope sooner comes faster.

Even if Im not going to feel good anytime soon, I wish I am slightly better compared to now. It hurts, it hurts so much and I really can’t face the pain. It’s too much for me.

Someone please take the pain away. I promise I will be a good girl just take these painful feelings away. I don’t want any miracle just something, someone who can wipe this pain slowly until I get better.

Nazri, it really hurts. I am really hurt by all these. I’m not as strong as I thought I would be. It’s painful. It really is.

Nazri, why did I do that I deserve to be pained this way? 

Do I ever hurt you? 

What did I do wrong? 

What have I done that I was never chosen by the people I love the most? 

Why do they only be with me when they feel like they need me and then throw me away. 

It hurts. 

This feeling that I have.

Can you take all these pain away?

Can anyone take this painful feelings away?

Please...

I’m not ..

​​

01-09-2018: 12:38am

I’ve wrote a lot of things for you, because of you. I’ve never written this much for someone and that’s how I know how special your existence to me. Truthfully, you are special to me but I’m not sure if it’s because I was lonely, or is it because I misunderstood your treatment towards me.

Since I wrote a lot of things, I somehow keeping a track of me, you and what of us. On May, you went to Melaka to patch things up with your fiancé. When you get back from Melaka, you changed your ws dp, upload stories and of course, upload a picture on your Instagram.

Those things didn’t last long. You come back to me, again. When you were fighting with her, you always come to me. Then her sister’s engagement, the same cycle repeats and now it repeats once again. I don’t know how long you will be like this again. I don’t know how long it takes for you to fight with her and come to me.

Truthfully, I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Not anymore. Keeping me as friend and treating me as one is a good thing. But both of us know that we are not “good friends”. I am just am excuse for you to run to every time you had a fight with her.

Being a goody two shoes, of course I would take you, the good and bad included. I would gladly accept you to be with me. But I don’t think I can be the girl you run to anymore.

I have been wondering all these times. Did I hear you wrong? Do you really love me? Do you really think that you’re feeling is true? Because I don’t see it that way from you. I rather dismissed everything as some kind of blunder, something you said to not offend me.

I wish you never lied, Cui.

Sometimes, kindness hurts. I don’t need no kindness if it only brings pain to me.

Remember what we talked about when I come from Melaka, the day you whisper the I love you thing to me? That day, I told you to think about it and you said you don’t want to because you know how it ends.

But I know how it ends. It ends with me getting hurt because you won’t choose me over someone you have been with for so long. So here I am writing notes after notes, trying to gain strength so I can send all these heavy words to you.

I always, always pray for your happiness Cui.

Today, as always, I end this note with the same wish. 

I hope we never wronged each other.

​

update: &it was Aku balik dulu, not I love you and I am so ashamed that I heard them wrong.