H E A L I N G

Caring Sale's Haul

My sister got some bonus and I have some saving because damn I’m fucking stingy so I decided to buy some products that I’ve been eyeing and on my wish list for a while now. Since it’s a routine for me and my co-worker, Umi to go to Aeon Shah Alam every Friday for lunch since we have 2 hours break, I straight away went to Aeon Wellness or Caring Pharmacy sales booth. Hada Labo, Nano White, Biore and few more were on sale but I choose to buy what I’ve been eyeing for rather than look at everything and bought unnecessary products. Since I strictly told myself to only buy skincare products when it’s on sale, I got to save some money again today. Total saving for today’s haul?

MYR 64.98.

Bio essence miracle water is on my wishlist since Iman post about it on Twitter so I have been wanting to try. I bought a small bottle since I don't want to risk my face to get another awful breakout. It's in small size so its easy to be carried whenever I went out.

Nano White Eye Brightener/Eye Cream. Well, it's cheap and on my Korean 10 step, this is what I've been dying to buy in order to complete them. But eye cream are reallllyyy expensive! But finally I got them so yeayy.

anndddd. . .

Soooo I finally bought my own Hada Labo Hydrating Lotion! I am so excited to use it. The moisturizer is not in my wishlist actually but it got 50% discount and my moisturizer almost finish so I say why not? Since my purchase is above MYR 80, I got these two small bottle of hydrating lotion for free!



Truth is, after I introduced my face to Korean Skin Care, my never-ever-have-pimples face suddenly got them in daily basis and IT LEAVES SCAR! I think I have some problems with some of the product but I don't know which one because I have so much!

Nevermind that, I'm excited to wear Hada Labo Hydrating Lotion when I get home. Will post a review after I wear it for 4 weeks. Need to look for the effects yall.

Suddenly, I remember the look in your eyes that day, looking at me through the mirror as I was correcting my tudung. Whenever I tried to remember you, my mind always drift to that day. The day when I caught the realness of us.

I looked at you lovingly, possessively fierce and your eyes says nothing, just staring back at me, looking numb with a glint of pity glimmering at the corner of your eyes. Time passes and at the right moment, your girlfriend call comes in. You broke our eye contact and moved away to talk  to her in a voice that I never knew you could have. Stupid as I am, I know that I could never have you but the emotions, the feelings that I have for you at that time just brushed all the facts away. Because at that time, you are mine.

How stupid.
How utterly stupid.

I remembered again and again the look in your eyes that day. The way your eyes pitying me, the way you look at me with numbness. How utterly stupid of me, to be thrown into the sea of madness, completely falling in love with you. Even as I am bewildered, amused and in awe for the new feelings I never feel, you just stand besides me filled with pity. You never plan to fall for me.

Just how long will you let me continue with my own little fairy tale before you tell me the truth behind your blank stares and sugar-coated words?

Never is the answer.

If I can turn back the time, I never wish that we never met and entangled in a relationship filled with lies and mishap. Although it is hard for me to continue living with you, I lived my life anyway. Both of us has pass each day without each other and everything seems alright, everything is alright.

So, I am just casually revisiting the old days where we've spent together. It was a happy memory for me, although the separation was not. The days when we were together, albeit the fights and cursing, is one of the most joyful time I had in university.

I also do understand that 3/4 of the fault is mine since I was the one who instigate the relationship. I broke up with you and that what really matters between us. I still have lingering feelings for you but I also know that we will never be together.

11.20pm, 23 March 2018.


[UPDATE: 4.13PM, 24 March 2014]

A friend of mine send me a picture of you, smiling happily with your gf-already-wife on your weeding day. Tahniah and please be happy for both of us.

"Through the Night" Medium: Oil Pastels Reference: Youtube

Breaking up was easy.

The hard part is what comes after. 

I was in really bad relationship. Sometimes I wonder, is it really bad? Well the bad part was that Ghost was someone else boyfriend. Yes, I know. He was cheating with me. He got a very beautiful sweetheart of 10 years yet he still cheat. Truth was, he tried to push me away but being a strong willed, I hate it so I pushed him harder and we just ended up together.

I never knew whether I can call us together but I believe we did have relationship, whether its a fling or a scandal or whatever people might call them. I walked away twice and because the first time I walked away, I feel I can't go on so I come back to him.

But, the feeling of greed and guilt is bigger than my feelings for him. I want him for myself (greed) but I don't want him to hurt her girlfriend (guilt). So I walked away, I delete my wechat account, block him in all my social media and that's it. I don't even cry when I did all that, thinking I was doing the right thing.

 It was.

Two days after, I received the news of Jai's death. This broke my heart as he was one of the best of friend I knew in university. We were together for all our assignments, lab sessions and we even talked about travelling to Cebu once we finished our internship. I think I can say that I was one of the closest person to him in university so his death shocked the hell out of me and I was in a state of mourning for a few months, even after new semester started, I still miss and mourned for him.

Because of this, the pain and loneliness from breaking up with Ghost was gone in a blink of an eye. More like because of Jai's death brings pain, I put aside my frustration from breaking up aside and left it unattended for few months. This of course backfired.

On November, when the pain for Jai's death slowly fading, the pain of not having Ghost by my side was emerging and a violent waves of emotions always hit me on midnight and left me insomniac for few months. It was one of hardest month I ever went through.

Due to the nature of our relationship, he can only come to see me once a month. He live in Johor and I was in Melaka. So he will lie to his grandmother and his girlfriend to met me once a month and usually he will arrived late at night, 1 or 2 in the morning. Because of this, I had trouble sleeping past  midnight because somewhere deep in my heart, I was wishing for him to come.

It was stupid, I admit it was stupid and the most embarrassing point of my life. I was longing for someone who doesn't even care for me, who maybe doesn't have feelings for me. I was longing for a guy who is by notion, a stranger.

It was painful nights.

It was really painful, because I find him to be a perfect ideal guy. He's smart, quick witted, throw lame jokes every now and then and always, always spare his time talking about deep shits we had in mind, during those long conversations that lasted until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Ideal but not mine.That's why I endure the loneliness and the pain because I don't want to take someone else's boyfriend and I don't want to be the bad guy. He was a coward but I am more of a coward.

I'm glad I ended us.
I'm glad for the pain.
May fate fares us better.

Cheers, xo

Roti Canai Welding Review : 4.5/5

Lontong Review: 3.5/5 (Taste is great but I just don't eat much of the dish)

Lunch: Eat & Repeat

This place is popular, you can type the name of the restaurant and it will show up right up. All the prices for a bowl is MYR 1.70. The same concept as Boat Noodle (?), never went to Boat Noodle so I don't know.

Eat & Repeat Overall Rating : 4.0/5.0 Recommendation: Their chicken wings is one of the best chicken wings I had.

Dinner: Leezo Container

Before I start on this particular place, I want people to understand that this is from my own opinion. I grew up working at a western restaurant and it was one of the best place to eat western food back home so my lidah somehow already have some references on how the western food cooked by local will taste like. My opinion is just mine so anyone who have dine there can always throw you opinion at me or others about their food.

This place is very hipstur like, with the kitchen area compromise of container. It have a good vibe and overall this place is comfortable to enjoy a good company and food. I'm not fine with the latter but I finished the food nevertheless.

This is one of their special I think. Its chicken chop topped with cheese and pineapple. The pineapple really kill my taste because of the sourness. The meatball is horrible! Its bland and taste nothing like meatball. The only savior this menu had is the gravy. I was disappointed but maybe it was weekend and they were quite busy but I still not happy with the taste. Overall I find it taste bland and will I went there again? Maybe not.

Overall : 2.5/5 The drinks are so-so and the food is not u p to my expectations snce my friends have been recommending this restaurant to me.

But I enjoyed the company and the vibe so that cancel out the blandness I taste.

It was a good retreat since when I get back to my house in Shah Alam, ready to start my internship, I feel fresh and happy. I was in a whirlwind of emotion with the changes and my anxiety. The retreat was a good idea even THOUGH I was thinking of not going.

That's all fellas. Don't expect me to write this long again about food. Maybe I will, maybe I will not. Let just see how my life will turned out.

Cheers, xo

I always wondered. Who went through most pain? The one who left or the one who left behind?

Truth is. I don't know.

I start asking this question after my parents divorced. I wonder which one of them feel more pain, more lonely after the divorce. After two years being a divorcee, my mother married  my step father. So I guess the one who are really in pain, is the one who were left behind, which in this case is my father. My parent's conflicts started by my father, so when my mother decided that she had enough of his bullshit, she ask for a divorce which in this case makes my mother as the one who left.

I start asking myself the same question again when I broke up with Ghost. I wonder who feel more pain after the break up? Is it me? or is it him? I wouldn't call it a break up though. He's already in a relationship and he was cheating. Did I left him or is it that he was the one who left me? Both of us have our shares of pain after I ended our relationship. Still, I wonder who feel more pain.

The question "Which one goes through so much pain and loneliness, the one who left or the one who left behind?" is something that I always had in my mind whenever there's a news or gossips of someone breaking up/divorced. It's a question that always let me fall into deep conversations with myself.

Why do I decided to write this down?

Because this morning, my mind drift to someone I hold dear, Farhana. I haven't been able to comprehend what exactly has happened between us and what triggered her to do what she did. In this case, she was the one who left and I was the one who were left behind. The pain was destructive, depressing and I lost half of my sanity when the it happens.

Reasons? I stop asking for reasons already. What will happen will bound to happen, so she leaving me is something that will happen no matter what I did. For one and half years, I was haunted and depressed about it. It will be another story to tell, isn't it.

The one who went through most pain and loneliness, is always the one who were left behind. Maybe because they are not ready to leave, or maybe it was just to hard to leave so they decided to stay. In the end, they were left behind with massive pain and loneliness.