"Through the Night" Medium: Oil Pastels Reference: Youtube

Breaking up was easy.

The hard part is what comes after. 

I was in really bad relationship. Sometimes I wonder, is it really bad? Well the bad part was that Ghost was someone else boyfriend. Yes, I know. He was cheating with me. He got a very beautiful sweetheart of 10 years yet he still cheat. Truth was, he tried to push me away but being a strong willed, I hate it so I pushed him harder and we just ended up together.

I never knew whether I can call us together but I believe we did have relationship, whether its a fling or a scandal or whatever people might call them. I walked away twice and because the first time I walked away, I feel I can't go on so I come back to him.

But, the feeling of greed and guilt is bigger than my feelings for him. I want him for myself (greed) but I don't want him to hurt her girlfriend (guilt). So I walked away, I delete my wechat account, block him in all my social media and that's it. I don't even cry when I did all that, thinking I was doing the right thing.

 It was.

Two days after, I received the news of Jai's death. This broke my heart as he was one of the best of friend I knew in university. We were together for all our assignments, lab sessions and we even talked about travelling to Cebu once we finished our internship. I think I can say that I was one of the closest person to him in university so his death shocked the hell out of me and I was in a state of mourning for a few months, even after new semester started, I still miss and mourned for him.

Because of this, the pain and loneliness from breaking up with Ghost was gone in a blink of an eye. More like because of Jai's death brings pain, I put aside my frustration from breaking up aside and left it unattended for few months. This of course backfired.

On November, when the pain for Jai's death slowly fading, the pain of not having Ghost by my side was emerging and a violent waves of emotions always hit me on midnight and left me insomniac for few months. It was one of hardest month I ever went through.

Due to the nature of our relationship, he can only come to see me once a month. He live in Johor and I was in Melaka. So he will lie to his grandmother and his girlfriend to met me once a month and usually he will arrived late at night, 1 or 2 in the morning. Because of this, I had trouble sleeping past  midnight because somewhere deep in my heart, I was wishing for him to come.

It was stupid, I admit it was stupid and the most embarrassing point of my life. I was longing for someone who doesn't even care for me, who maybe doesn't have feelings for me. I was longing for a guy who is by notion, a stranger.

It was painful nights.

It was really painful, because I find him to be a perfect ideal guy. He's smart, quick witted, throw lame jokes every now and then and always, always spare his time talking about deep shits we had in mind, during those long conversations that lasted until 3 or 4 in the morning.

Ideal but not mine.That's why I endure the loneliness and the pain because I don't want to take someone else's boyfriend and I don't want to be the bad guy. He was a coward but I am more of a coward.

I'm glad I ended us.
I'm glad for the pain.
May fate fares us better.

Cheers, xo