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H E A L I N G

posting uneventful events since 2013

I give up.
I give up trying to give my attention and all my love to one person
I give up
I give up trying to understand things that I shouldn’t bother myself with
I give up
I’m giving up on you
I give up
The love that I tried giving doesn’t seem to heal me but break me even further

9:32 AM No comments

//depression&anxiety

When I started telling people I have attacks (anxiety attack), everyone stares at me with disbelief. Why should I have anxiety?
That’s why I stop telling people and just stop talking altogether about it to others. People said, it’s just in your mind. You need to do this, you need to do that. Trust me, I have done everything that I can think of, and most of everything people have said to me.
Did it stop?
You know the answer.
No, it never stop.
Will it stop?
Maybe.
It’s been 3 years. My anxiety attack comes in many form but the most recent and mostly occurred to me is when my body shut itself. I can’t function like a normal person. I’m sick but even doctor can’t tell me why and what. I either sleep or don’t sleep at all. I binge eating or I don’t eat at all. I worked until my eyes blurry and my head spinning or I just sit down and stare at my works.
When it hit me, it usually comes slowly and then all at once.

The first sign would be I can’t do simple chores, I forgot things. When this happened, I just brush it off as me, being lazy. Not until I can’t make my own bed in the morning, the fact I can’t do my laundry, the fact I can’t sit still. The light annoys me, the sound around me annoys me. The people annoys me. I stop replying to people, I stop talking and all I want is to be with myself. Drowning inside the feeling of helplessness and looking at the abyss as it stares back at me.
Then the others follow.
Migraine
Gastric
Insomnia
Back pain
Coughing
Until I collapse with blankness in my head

9:30 AM No comments

14/07/2019

Tipu kalau aku tak rasa apa malamtu.

He’s different from his usual him.
The way he talk, the way he walk,
the way he look at me,
the way he willingly to listen to me,
it just different.
He used to refuse holding on my purse.
He used to refuse slight touching
He used to speak harshly to me
He used to use bad words with me
Tapi malam tu
He hold my purse
He place his hand on my arm rest and our shoulders slightly touching
He used to avoid even that
Tapi malam tu he just let it and he even inclined his head towards meeee
He speaks softly towards me
He look at me tenderly
He just different
Just look at this picture and tell me you didn’t get the good vibe from it
It’s my new addiction
Looking at this picture
Sebab we look a lot like a lover
Though we will never be
I’m going to entertain myself with that thought
Maybe for awhile until he found himself a new girl
Maybe until this feelings fade
It’s just a slight crush
I’ll get over this
I’ll find someone yang akan sayang aku
Maybe not him
But the idea pleases me
So lemme berangan for a while

9:29 AM No comments

The acoustic session
The winds that blows
The smell of booze mixed in the air
The sound of cars
The sound of whispers and small laugh
All of them is so new yet so familiar
------------------------------

The bustling sound that surrounds me
The acoustic guitar followed by mellow voice
The kind of music I listen to when I’m feeling down
The smell of booze and cigar
The small chatters
How do I explain this feeling of contempt
Like finding a place to belong
The feels of free, the feels of just feeling
——
Tak pernah daku merasa begini
Bunyi gitar akoustik
Bunyi daripada bangunan disebelah
Yang para pekerja masih kuat membantung tulang
Bunyi kenderaan di bawah kaki
Yang enginnya berbunyi bunyi
Bau minuman keras
Bau rokok dan vape
aduh bagaimana ingin ku jelaskan
Sepertinya tempat ini sangat biasa bagiku
Tapi masih juga tetap berikan ku aman
Apa ini ya?

9:23 AM No comments

About me

A potato.

Posting uneventful life events since 2013.

Traveler.

writing, drawing and photography is my passion but I suck at it so I just write, draw and took pictures that look like shit

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