H E A L I N G

The feeling of hopelessness, the feeling of this complicated emotions that dwell inside me.

I am tired.

Does this action support the life I’m creating?

Once I reached 25 years old, I have quiet stable career. Life is just a bit boring and mundane, and I was dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I stopped caring about what I would want to achieve because at the age of 25, everything just seems to stop.

Like there’s a huge red sign saying this is it. I live my life completely on automatic or pilot mode if you may call it. I woke up, went to work and I go back home. My weight gain is not something that I cared as much as when I was reaching adulthood. I didn’t care much how I should progress both in my career or my personal life. 

I hit a big wall. No, to be honest, I created a big wall and then stay staring at it for the longest time. Due to heartbroken, I was so into looking for the perfect guy. I started to hook up with strangers just to feel worthy or just to be with someone. They all shit anyways.

I am now reaching 27, yes a mere two years wasted. 

I have no goals, no motivation and I lost myself a lot. I forgot my Creator, I forgot to care of myself. I feel like I was just living. I just got out from an ambiguous relationship and the retrograde is ending tomorrow.

ZFS, I met this guy on dating app, he treated me so well and I misunderstood everything. His action cause me to misunderstand but I would like to put all the blame into his action that causes this whole mess. However, I thank him because he taught me about how I have lost myself and how I didn’t care for myself for so long. I put other people above me when I am supposed to be the one that I care the most.

Now that I realized that, I feel I’m moving forward. 

I feel that life have so much to offer and not to go back to my mundane lifestyles. I need to change, I have and will change for the better me. The actions that I am taking now, does this support the life I want? The ideal life that I am trying to achieve? 

The answer is NO. I overly indulged myself to entertainment and forgot about the sacrifices I have to make to achieve what I wanted. I forgot that hard work is what yield results. I was so consumed with self-hatred that I have limited myself. I have limited myself, suppressed my talents and hide myself. Just because I was afraid of everything, I was afraid of being hurt, was afraid of being rejected. I was afraid facing things that cause me to get hurt, emotionally. 

I was so afraid of hurting, I am killing myself in the process. I killed the beautiful and confident woman I was. I killed the woman who worked hard for herself. I forgot that my worth are not determined by the rejection that I faced. I forgot that I am so much more than what people said I am.

I forgot about my own worth, my own value. I drown into the abyss of excuses and put everything aside, blaming my mental health. I have no determination to change yet I cried and cried for something to change. I didn’t work for it yet I desire result. 

After being done dirty by ZFS, change of career from my previous company, able to afford the lifestyle that I have, I REALIZED THAT I AM NOT BUILDING ANYTHING FOR THE LIFE I WANT. I simply wish for it without putting any effort into making it into a reality. Like wanting to make a bread, got all the ingredients but just staring at it and hoping that a bread will come out of them.

Where all the vigor went? Where did it gone to? I don’t think thinking about it more will make my life better. I knew that I have awaken from a deep slumber, I am awake from my mundane and autopilot lifestyle. I want to change, I will change.

No, I am changing. I will live my life deserving the life that I should be living now.

I have sinned. I forgot to be grateful, I forgot about my creator as I drift away from Him. 

I may not become the perfect Muslim but I will try to be, at least back to the person I once knew. 

The action that I took, since I graduated, have shaped me into who am I today. I cannot say that what I did right or wrong because that’s what shaped me into who I am today. I am grateful to everything and everyone that Allah sends to my life.

I was so blinded that I COULDN’T SEE. Allah is the best planner and I am merely His servants. To think that I refused my fate so much by letting myself blinded by the dunya. This feeling right now I valid, the action I have taken also a form of validation of who I am today. I cannot deny that I have been led astray, gone and forgotten the blessing of Allah. 

I am changing, and although it is not much, may Allah grants me the heart to be consistent.