I remembered one night where someone’s text something about my upbringing on our group rumah sewa. To be fair, I was laughing my heart out looking at RM videos. It was nearing Isyak when the text come. I’m still in my telekung after maghrib.
I remember reading it and then run barefooted, to the nearest playground near my house. I cried my heart out and thinking what did I do wrong. What did I do that offended people so much? Am I wrong to be laughing that way? Or is it the time was wrong to be laughing. We were practically next to each other and I swear you could’ve directly told me to shut up instead of texting me in the group about it.
2017 was a year where I lost myself countless time, my self esteem and self confidence were at the lowest. Honestly it continued until now. It makes me really afraid of engaging with people. It makes me really timid. It makes me feel that all my life until that point, I’ve hurt countless people with what I said, what I did. Not to mention, some people I know from school often told me I’m an evil person or I’m scary.
I was in a state where I lose interest on doing anything that related to people, afraid that if I did, I would’ve hurt someone in the process. I was trying to accommodate everyone’s wishes. Afraid that I’ll hurt another soul. Afraid that I am the toxic friend.
It was a nightmare.
If I recall those moments or I stumbled upon the anecdotes that I made during those days, the pain is still there. I can vividly remember everything and usually it cost me probably two to three days to properly manage myself again.
I forgive myself. I’m moving on but the pain and the suffering that were inflicted by others and by myself would never leave me completely.
I remember reading it and then run barefooted, to the nearest playground near my house. I cried my heart out and thinking what did I do wrong. What did I do that offended people so much? Am I wrong to be laughing that way? Or is it the time was wrong to be laughing. We were practically next to each other and I swear you could’ve directly told me to shut up instead of texting me in the group about it.
2017 was a year where I lost myself countless time, my self esteem and self confidence were at the lowest. Honestly it continued until now. It makes me really afraid of engaging with people. It makes me really timid. It makes me feel that all my life until that point, I’ve hurt countless people with what I said, what I did. Not to mention, some people I know from school often told me I’m an evil person or I’m scary.
I was in a state where I lose interest on doing anything that related to people, afraid that if I did, I would’ve hurt someone in the process. I was trying to accommodate everyone’s wishes. Afraid that I’ll hurt another soul. Afraid that I am the toxic friend.
It was a nightmare.
If I recall those moments or I stumbled upon the anecdotes that I made during those days, the pain is still there. I can vividly remember everything and usually it cost me probably two to three days to properly manage myself again.
I forgive myself. I’m moving on but the pain and the suffering that were inflicted by others and by myself would never leave me completely.
