April 2021,
I was ready.
I thought I was ready to finally welcome someone into my life. I finally gained some positive outlook, but it was just another repetitive episode of me getting attached to people.
I was confused with the way they act towards me. The kindness they've shown me. I asked around to justify the way I feel betrayed with how they acted. I stumbled upon a phrase that says "Don't equivalate kindness to love" and I admit that I have been telling myself the wrong truth. However, I am also not going to say they are not at fault since its more than kindness to me. But also, it is not love.
Its the end of August now.
The one I am angry at the most is probably myself because I never had the courage to walk away even when I was presented with the fact that they do not love me. I never had the intention to be friends with them, I wanted so much more but I guess we don't share the same ideal. But I stayed, hoping that I can finally be loved. I stay, trying to be someone I'm not. I disregard myself, I threw away my own worth just for a little bit of affection from them.
I understand that and that's why I walked away, again.
Life repetitively send me different men but they all just the same.
Just different men but still the same lessons.
I was afraid.
I don't know what to do, but I finally have the conviction to finally release myself from being attached and hoping they will love me back. I merely picking up crumbs off the bread that they are not giving me. They probably never had any intention to even let me hold the bread, just let me looking at it.
I already lost my pride,
I already lost myself.
I cried, I got angry at people, at myself.
At this point, I don't have anything to lose anymore.
I already threw everything away just for a little affection.
I hurt myself more and more.
Enough is enough.
I have been trying to be someone who I am not for the past 7 years. I suppressed my true self as I grew older because I was afraid of people's opinion. I did not matter in my own life. I am not the heroine I should be in my own fairy tale because I was so afraid of not getting the happy ending that I always read when I was still young. I was afraid that I will get hurt from my own expectations without even trying to fill that expectations.
I have walked long, long road. I made bad decisions along the way and made some good one too. I have dwelled long enough in this self pity, I dwelled long enough in this self hatred and I ignore what I have been telling myself for so long.
I am taking back my life from myself.
It is time.
