Suddenly, I remember the look in your eyes that day, looking at me through the mirror as I was correcting my tudung. Whenever I tried to remember you, my mind always drift to that day. The day when I caught the realness of us.

I looked at you lovingly, possessively fierce and your eyes says nothing, just staring back at me, looking numb with a glint of pity glimmering at the corner of your eyes. Time passes and at the right moment, your girlfriend call comes in. You broke our eye contact and moved away to talk  to her in a voice that I never knew you could have. Stupid as I am, I know that I could never have you but the emotions, the feelings that I have for you at that time just brushed all the facts away. Because at that time, you are mine.

How stupid.
How utterly stupid.

I remembered again and again the look in your eyes that day. The way your eyes pitying me, the way you look at me with numbness. How utterly stupid of me, to be thrown into the sea of madness, completely falling in love with you. Even as I am bewildered, amused and in awe for the new feelings I never feel, you just stand besides me filled with pity. You never plan to fall for me.

Just how long will you let me continue with my own little fairy tale before you tell me the truth behind your blank stares and sugar-coated words?

Never is the answer.

If I can turn back the time, I never wish that we never met and entangled in a relationship filled with lies and mishap. Although it is hard for me to continue living with you, I lived my life anyway. Both of us has pass each day without each other and everything seems alright, everything is alright.

So, I am just casually revisiting the old days where we've spent together. It was a happy memory for me, although the separation was not. The days when we were together, albeit the fights and cursing, is one of the most joyful time I had in university.

I also do understand that 3/4 of the fault is mine since I was the one who instigate the relationship. I broke up with you and that what really matters between us. I still have lingering feelings for you but I also know that we will never be together.

11.20pm, 23 March 2018.


[UPDATE: 4.13PM, 24 March 2014]

A friend of mine send me a picture of you, smiling happily with your gf-already-wife on your weeding day. Tahniah and please be happy for both of us.