" If you had the chance, just one chance, to go back and fix what you did wrong in life, would you take it ? And if you did, would you be big enough to stand it ? "

After leaving my blog for a whole month without any entry, I would like to spit out my thoughts on family. My family. I came from a family of 5, my parents, onee chan and onii chan. They are and always be my precious treasure. ALWAYS. 

But the stories doesn't concern me, my sister or my brother. This story, or more like my story, is about my parents. They are, somewhat I lost word for describing them. I don't think there's any words to describe how I feel about them. But like I said, this is my story of my parents. The story from a child who have been through a hell lot of experiences as she watch her family becomes how they've become.

Again today, as I watched my mother eat with a grin across her face, I could not help but smile and felt a little throb in my heart. Her smile stung me. When she asked me what, how can I answer her when I'm still in the midst of questioning myself? 

In my mind, there's a lot of question waiting to be answered. But how can I ask my mother these questions ? Being a book worm since the age of 12, I've read countless romantic-happily ever after story, I've read thousands heart breaking stories of people and their suffering, I've read anything and everything that always made me smile like a silly girl. Due to all those books I've read, it's not my fault when I wanted a life just like the happily ever after stories but the truths hurts and reality bites.

My parents divorce when I'm 18 years old. Why ? As a mama girl, of course I'll put the blame on my father. But, both of them have their own share of faults when it comes to the questions why and what happens. 

Why my mother ask for a divorce ?

Why my father go with my mother request after all this time ? After 25 years ? 

Why did this happen ? Why did everything fell apart the way they are now ? Why must you hate each other ? WHY ? Why must you fight over the smallest little things ? Why ?

Mom ? Don't you love him ?

Do you love him? When you were sitting there waiting for father to legally took you as his wife ? 

Do you love him ? During those two years before sister comes to your life ?

Do you love him ? During the birth of sister then followed by brother ?

Do you love him ? When you have to put sister under else care as you travel across the state with him and brother ?

Do you still love him ? When you finds out that he's a drug addict ?

Do you love him ? When you were forced to work so that you can provide us with foods and clothes ?

Do you love him ? When he steals and hurt you ?

Do you love him ? When you found out that he was with another women ? Do you ?

Do you love him ? When all your children has grow up and he's not there to watch it ?

D o you love him ? When he brings home nothing but troubles ?

Do you love him, Mom ? When he said the word ? When he finally let you go ? 

One last question mom, Do you love him after all this time ? Were your feeling to him years before are true ? 

Hey Pa ? What are we to you ? Are we are burden to you ? I still cannot forget the day when you divorce mom, I still can't forget no matter how much I wanted to the night when you cried. 

What have gone wrong ? What's wrong with what you have ? Why must you be like this ? Why you put us through this misreable life ? Why did you lie ? Why did you break apart ! Why ?! Why ?! Why can't we be the happy family just like everyone else ? Why don't you show up when it's time to watch me dance or sing ? Why aren't you there when I need you the most ? Why ? Where did you go all this years when I want you the most ? Why you never looked at me the way I always wanted ? Do you love mother during this 25 years of lies, fight and love ?

No, I don't want your money. What I really want is those 18 wasted years. What I want is a family where we all live happily ever after even after the fights, even after we hurts each other because that's how family works. 

CAN YOU GIVE ME THAT WASTED YEARS OF TEARS, DECEIT AND HURTS ?

But time waits for no one. Times doesnt come back even if you wanted it so badly. 

What I know now, how I grow up to be, all thanks to this two person, my mother and my father.

I would be lying if I say I didn't blame them for what I've been through as a child and  as a girl. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a drug addict daughter or to admit that I came from a wreck family.

My father, though he's a drug addict, I still live him. My mother, despite her anger and all her weakness as a woman, I love her throughly. I always and always love them, no matter what happen to them and what they have become.

Because, even if they have kids and wearing father and mother title, they still humans, and humans have feelings. Of that, I know and that's how I accept my father and my mother.

" Why do kids assume so much from one parent and hold another to a lower and looser standard ? But, a child should never choose "

===================================================================