Openly Talk
Bismilah.
I guess I never really talk openly and truthfully about the fact that my mother new marriage aite. Well, I do talk about it to some people but I never really talked about it truthfully - about my feelings and all those shit.
I wonder where do I begin ? Hmm, I just finish updating my other blog which is set to private because there is where I put up a lot of hate review on people that mess with my head, or heart. When I really need to bawl my eyes out or tell others secret that cannot be tell, I write there just now so I came across a post about my mom and the marriage but it was before she got married. It was written during my semester break earlier this year.
Wow, it really suprise me how much I hate the way she talked about her plan to get married. That post were so horrible of me. HaHa. But sorry not sorry. Here are some sneak peak about what I've written about it.
The opening goes like this
The ending were like this :
The content is not about I hate my mom remarried, I'm actually happy for her - SO DAMN MUCH but the way she talked about it 24/7 but let just say it was derhaka of me to write about it but I have feelings and I'm really mentally ill if I have a lot in my mind.
I think I should divide this post into three sub chapter because every things matter - to me. It will be before marriage, during and after ( 3 months ) story.
[ BEFORE MARRIAGE ]
Half of what happened before marriage already written up there but lemme add some more juice to the storyy. Like I said, it was not the idea of her remarried but the way she talked about it 24/7 that annoy me. I do enjoy the way she looked like she's in love when she talked about now my step father but to heard about it every time you're chillin with her is so damn annoying. I'M FUCKIN WANT ATTENTION HERE ! It was during my semester break so I was like expecting to get her full attention.
No, I don't mind if she talked about him but the topic come up EVERY TIME we have conversation. I'm trying to be a gooood daughter here so I just listen to her and then vent my anger on blog and tumblr. Sorry Mom
I met him once when we went dinner together and oh boy he's quiet. I didn't hear any sound come from him during the dinner, just the sound of me and my sister making jokes and hurting each other - in loveable kinda way, and he only talked with my mom with a VERYYYYYY LOW voice.
I was like omg I'm gonna give you a big X if you don't start talking to me but then the dinner were over and we headed back home. Seriously, I was not expecting that. Our family is a LOUD HEAD BANGING type of family and to have additional family member who is so fuckin different is sure a weird(?) thing.
Then semester break end. I went back to Melaka for semester 2 and in a blink of an eye, I got the news that they're getting married !
OH FUCKING WOW.
I share stories with Haziq and Fana but I always said that I wasn't bother by it and I was cool with it when I FELT LIKE MY HEART ARE RIPPED APART.
Yeah, I felt like my heart were ripped apart. I'm happy for her, I sincerely do. But it was too fast and I felt like I'm betraying my father. I felt like I'm not ready to share her to stranger. I'm not ready to accept a stranger into my life. I'm not ready, yet.
[DURING MARRIAGE]
I don't really remember the date of their marriage but what I do remember it was during mid semester break. It was a very devastating week of agony, anguish and remorse. I don't even know where should I start. But here a piece :
Menjelang Perkhawinan Mak Yang Ke - 2 (v2)
Nanti
Pukul 6 pagi nanti
Aku harap
Aku sungguh harap
Aku buka mata
Aku ada di sisi ibu
Nanti malam nanti
Dia akan punya teman lain
Dan aku masih mahu tidur sebelah ibu
Tapi 2 pagi
Aku masih di sini
Menangis sendiri
17 April 2015
2.01 am
Kolej Kediaman Seri Utama
Yes, I made two of this kinda poem for my mom but this one is the one I really love the most. Because it really reflect my emotion on I'M NOT FUCKING READY phase. I'm actually really terasa when she decided to get married without me by her side. It was mid sem break and I actually FREE to fly back to Sandakan and actually be by her side. BUT NO ! I was in Melaka, weeping and bawling my eyes out. Thinking of her.
How could you mom ?
You said I'm the closest one to you but how could you not include me in your important day ? Just how could you ? You told me that you'll wait for me. You told me that you'll get married after Raya. You told me that you want all your children to be with you. But how could you let me alone there in Melaka, hugging emptiness and shadow of you while thinking that you have betrayed me ?
I never told people but it was not a happy mid semester break for me. I cried almost every night. EVERY FUCKING NIGHT SINCE I GOT THE DATE OF NIKAH UNTIL TWO DAYS AFTER THEY HAVE NIKAH. I was really lucky because my room mate is always non-existent so I was kinda free to do whatever I want. Other than crying, I really drew well and write well. I even complete the ALPHABET collection of self made poetry which suck. HAHAHA.
I know that our family cannot afford the fee for me to go home just for the majlis but she said that she will wait. I was taken aback. SHE SAID SHE WILL WAIT. How could you mom ?
Rationally, I accept the fact that I cannot go home and act maturely accordingly to other people eyes. But in my heart ? It was a mess. It was a very disturbing and frustrated moment I ever felt in my whole life. Disturbing, yes because of the things I did that I cannot mention here and frustrated because I really spent that week being nothing but an angry teenager. LOL
[AFTER MARRIAGE]
FINALE.
HAHA.
Okay, I have a STEP FATHER ~ olalalalala. It was weird when I step into my house and saw someone I'm not familiar with in the house.
So just like before, she talked about him like 24/7 even tho they're are now together cause my step father cannot appeal himself to me so my mom are listing all his good criteria and make me fell comfortable with him. I don't mind but come on mom, listen to my stories sometimes but oh well no lets talk about your new husband 24/7.
All my life, I've always, always want a father figure. Because no one born perfect, my REAL father are also one of them. He was not a great man, but he's my father and I love him and he's so not the father figure. I miss you Dad, I really do.
Maybe I'm expecting too much because my step father don't talk. He talk but never to me, like a conversation. He always talk to my mother and my mom only. Again, I was so devastated I stress myself out. Can't you talk to us sometimes like strike a conversation, I would love to talk to you.
BUT NO FUCKING NO. He just sit there, smoking and playing Candy Crash or FB-ing. I was always sitting beside him thinking that he will talk to me but no he's not so I'm really disappointed. It was not the way I imagine it will be. Since he's that silent type, I have to adjust myself into the realm of silent and my mom pukul me because I was singing out loud. Sangat terasa kat situ. Why did you hit me ? You never hit me for singing my heart out.
What really pained me was the other day I was helping my mom choosing over baju raya for him. Yes. we fuss over a baju, socks and his underwear. Since I have the same personality as him, according to my mom, I'm like the version of him literally.
Just last year, we were buying those things for my father (tho they already divorced at that time). It really challenge my sanity and my own judgement. I'm happy for her, she look so happy and radiant choosing over a baju for him. But my heart can't really take it. I think it was shown all over my face how I don't like it. I was insomnic this past days because of this stupid stressor.
And the final blow would be she will not celebrating the first raya with us. So it will be just us three siblings and my mother families. Another stressor for my insomnic days.
**********************************************************************
Sebagai seorang anak, I just want her to be happy. Just let her be happy and content in her life here in Dunya. I write this not because I want to buka pekung di dada. But it was a medium for me to straighten back my mood after a very tiring play pretend. I was acting like shit today towards my mom. It was horrible for both of us. I need to cry and I'm actually crying since I wrote that Bismillah.
I love you mom.
It just that I'm this type of fucking twisted two face daughter. I know I'm being durhaka but I can't contain my sadness over all the stuff that had happened. There's a lot more than what I write today and I can go on until I pass out about my agony and sadness, but I know you've sacrificed a lot in your life for us, for me. So I guess we're even?
I'm sorry mom.
|Alia|
- Pengharapan itu equal to sakit hati
Terutama bila sudah berjanji
0 comments