Zarif Asyraf

Kalau minat pembacaan yang berunsur islamik with beautiful poem. Do visit his blog.

Haha. Okay stop promote him.

ii.

I cried. 

Longer than any of those crying moments I had during this 3 months free from this anxiety. Setelah lama aku tak masuk dalam tandas, hidupkan shower dan nangis. Dah lama tak duduk diam diam di bawah pancuran air dan biar air mata turun macam air terjun. Dah lama. Rasanya dah tiga bulan. Menangis memang ada. Tapi bila cakap pasal 'nangis-time-shower', last time I did that was 3 months ago. Lepas balik daripada Debat Diraja. 

My mom was the trigger but the real reason is not her. That much I realize. We had a fight. She told me to fold the laundry but I was so stressed out, I went to bed. She turned into hulk and scattered all the clothes on the floor and was really pissed off. I was quiet in shock since she woke me up by hitting, more like spanking my feet and damn I really pissed off myself. I post some mean tweet about her, but I don't really mean it. When I went into the toilet, I was already crying. Just a little bit tho.

I thought it was because of my mom and what she just did. But at the middle of it, I just blurted out the real reason why I was crying my hearts (and eyes) out. 

'Along I miss you.'

Ha.Ha. Yes fucking yes. I miss him so much my eyes started acting up again. A little tears has started forming. So basically, I'm in Post-Along Situation. Its been few weeks since I last contacted him through LINE. We always talk using LINE because of the emoji and all those cute stuff. I said something I wish I shouldn't but I'm glad I told him that.

iii.

We had usual chat, texting and sending cute emoji to each other when I decided to test him by dropping something my brother said. Well, I told my brother that Along tak pernah nak buat pengorbanan untuk our so called relationship ni. Waktu aku dah dekat Tawau, he only have to take bus dan cakap lets meet up dekat bandar Tawau or something. Tapi tak. Dia just harapkan aku pergi Semporna. Yes, I can and so does my brother. Tapi EGO aku cakap, don't. Sebab aku rasa macama ku terhegeh hegeh pulak kat dia. So aku cakap kat Along yang abang aku suruh aku putuskan segala hubungan dengan dia. As in dont chat with him again. 

CLARIFICATION: Along is not my official couple/kekasih. He's my ex whom I still love dearly.

[ We had that friendly flirting relationship. He said he will never promised me anything ever again because of our past break-up. He said that we will never know what will happen and how our life will turned ou to be. So lets be friends.]

Dan dia tak pernah balas LINE aku sejak itu. 

iv. PENGORBANAN

Dan seperti biasa, my mind dah clear sikit bila dah tulis something. Dan baru aku ingat, aku yang tak PERNAH nak buat pengorbanan dalam our so-called-relationship. He gave me his hearts and I broke it once, and I'm doing it again. He send out presents during my birthday. He gives me book that I wanted, He understand me more that I understand myself. God, for the 21 years old me who never love other man other than him, he's a great existence to my heart. 

Jujur, I regreted that I listen to my EGO and decided to went back home without jumpa dia cause I really miss him. 

Jujur, I just tested him. In hope that he will ask me why. Tapi bila dia biar aku pergi, aku rasa separuh hati aku nak marah kat dia sebab lepaskan tangan aku. Dan separuh hati aku lagi cakap, this is the best for us supaya dia dan aku dah boleh move on.

Jujur, setiap kali bunyi LINE messages masuk. Aku akan gabra nak mampus dan cepat2 buka henpin dengan perasaan takut dan gembira. Manatau Along tetiba LINE. Tapi bila benda lain yang masuk, dan bukan LINE dari dia, rasa nak hempas henpon. biar pecah, macam hati aku sekarang.

jujur, aku tak pernah move on dari break up kami tahun 2011. Yes, memang aku yang minta kami break- sebab EGO was and still doing the talking. Dan sekarang its getting harder to move on. Buku yang dia bagi, aku sentiasa bawa g Travel. Tudung yang dia bagi, aku simpan bagus, taknak pakai sebab aku sayang sangat. 

dan jujur, aku sebenarnya nak duduk depan dia. talk to him about 'us' dan biar hati aku tenang dan aman. 

v.

Terima kasih untuk lagu lagu yang Along kirim. 

                - Dahsyat (MOJO)

Terima kasih untuk buku.

                - The Fault in Our Stars

Terima kasih untuk segalanya.

vi.