The pain of knowing the truth but can never acknowledge them is so unbearable.

Oh God, why do you have to put me in this situation.

We know we can never be with each other but why on earth are we so attracted to each other.

He took my clothes from the drying machine and I feel like my head could explode from the embarrassment that I felt. He swiftly took the clothes out from the machine with everything are on sight! When he offer to help me with the laundry, I took in as much as I want the sight of him folding my shirts because at that moment, I feel so close to him.


I realized again last night that I feel too comfortable with him. As we sat together with the foods and his project, he listen attentively as our leg comfortably touching each other. We sat side by side, both of us sit crossed leg on the bench and he placed his thigh above mine. I talked and he will listen. I lay my head down on his shoulder as he wrote down points that we've discussed. Holding hands seem so natural for us.

The scary part?

I can see something in his eyes, gleaming shyly when he look at me. Under the street lamp, I saw his boyish smile and his playful eyes shine when we argue about certain topic. The gleam fades when we talk about his family but I saw a glint of happiness when we talk it over.

Under the dim street lamp and passing cars, at the exact moment I hide myself from the lamp that comes from behind him, I feel safe. When I saw his boyish smile, the playful gleam in his eyes, in that instant I told myself how fucked up I am because what I feel for him is no longer temporary affection.



It's love. I realized that I love him more than I should and suddenly everything becomes so painful.

I am so fucked up for you sotoi.

That night, for the first time, I am so overwhelmed by sadness because I can't have him no matter how much I love him. The pain, heartache feels so heavy when I finally acknowledge my feelings. I wish I can continue living in denial because I feel so so hurt because of this.