Selepas Almost 8 Minggu

by - 2:20 PM

Bismillah.

Asalamualaikum. Dan waktu sekarang hujan di Melaka. Cuaca yang agak sesuai untuk berselimut sambil minum Milo panas dan merenung ke luar jendela dan rasa tempias tempias hujan.

Setelah 8 minggu aku di UTeM.

Banyak benda aku nak cerita, banyak kisah aku nak coretkan. Terlalu banyak perasaan yang aku pendamkan. Sampai satu saat, aku rasa hilang dalam ribut perasaan ni. Tenggelam dalam fikiran yang macam tidak ada penghujung.

Aku dapt berkenalan dengan seorang mamat dari Filipina. He's name is Jerome. Dia seorang yang berbakat dalam lukisan dan sebab aku komen one of his drawing, we kinda become friends. Lukisan dia mmg gempak habis. Dan bila aku nampak lukisan dia tuh, specifically lukisan yg membawa kepada perkenalan kami, aku rasa sangat familiar.

Borak punya borak kat Messenger, baru tahu yang kita dua ada banyak persamaan. So we kinda hit it off. Dia ada cakap :

[I just got really confused how and when to believe, and even who to trust. I become so depressed that everything for me is unreal ]

Yes, itu yang aku lalui sekarang ni. Biarpun aku ada kawan, I still tak boleh letak kepercayaan aku kat dorang. Aku still tak boleh nak open up and smile to them. Aku masih stuck di Level 1. Masih stuck dalam dunia aku sendiri. 

To sum it up. even someone who have a great potential to be friends with me will be dismissed because of this stupid feelings. I tried hard to deal with this worthless feelings, the more I deal with it, the more unreal the world gets and the more I lose myself. 

It's like I'm falling into a hole, a small narrow hole. It really suffocate me. It really choking me. The narrow hole seems to give me chance to climb back up but at the same time sucking me down to it darkest pit.

This feelings is unbearable. The more my heart said I need someone, the more my heart get unsettled and the more I push people out from my own heart. I know I need someone, I want someone- not in love kinda way, and I want to trust them.

Loneliness. It's the hardest thing I have been dealing with since the first time I came here. When this feelings come to me, the sense of touch suddenly gone and I had the urge to stop breathing. I had major pain in the chest and all I want to do is scream. Scream without a voice. 

Aku tau gambo tak kena dengan luahan


This post supposedly a happy post about me, going to represent UTeM for hockey. I'm not sure when and why this post takes 570 degree turn and become one of the most depressed heart-pouring-essay.

ま、それだけ。またあいしてね？

アリア。
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